Day 7

Another long day for a Sunday. Started the day in Chengsan, followed by guest performing with PCO in Boon Lay in the afternoon, and later flying over to Mountbatten for rehearsals with DingYi Youth in the evening. Didn’t even feel tired until I was on the train home, it all just came crashing down.

One thing I wanted to highlight is how during the performance in the afternoon with PCO, while we were playing the set of Singapore Patriotic songs, the audience were all in smiles, children were dancing and singing along while the adults had this sense of nostalgia and pride on their face.

This moment really made me pause and wondered how there’s this strong sense of nationalism in Singaporeans. Sure I here them complain about the country and government all the time, but really, as a Malaysian, and growing up back home, I rarely see people swaying and being moved by our country’s patriotic anthems. Sure there were a few good ones like “KeranaMu Malaysia” (For You Malaysia) and “Jalur Gemilang” (Flag anthem) and the kid in me to always sing along with my best friends back in primary school and secondary school. The songs really had great meaning and not to mention a great tune to sing along to, not to mention march to. It was filled with hope and a great sense of wanting the country to move even forward.

Maybe that’s it, maybe that’s how it felt for the Singaporeans to be listening to the anthems we were playing for the afternoon. Maybe it just so happen that Singapore’s use of NDP songs really touched people’s heart, or either that the songs are really damn nice la!

Day 6

What a long day it was, rushing from Clementi to Boon Lay for rehearsals, then rushing over to AMK for a night performance with Cheng San. But it's just the sort of busy-ness that I need. To distract me from those unpleasant thought that have been pulling me down. 

It was a lot of fun, considering that I've been in charge of sectional leader duty while the other is on-leave, and also managed to pull in a few SP juniors to join Cheng San. It's great to have them around. (Plus, I look so damn fabulous in the first picture).

STILL... A little disappointed when I was told that SCO has a performance on the 22nd of August, which happens to be the day of my solo performance with DingYi Youth.. Which means, my laoshi won't be able to attend. No fair.. She attended others.. But when it's finally my turn she couldn't make it.. Who am I to complain though? I'm no champion anyway..

Sigh.. gonna start thinking negatively again.. Oh well.. 

Day 5

Finally had my monthly outing with my Malaysia secondary school classmates, and just like I  predicted, it was hell of a stressful. Most of them already had a stable job, and one has already finished NUS and is on the prowl for a job. Another one even already got her Singapore P.R. 

The thought of them having a stable life, (other than the fact their woes now are mostly about pay not being high enough etc.), makes me feel even more insecure of my own future. August is finally here, less than 5 more months of uni studies and it's all over. Where will live take me next? I've built a new life here in Singapore, I ain't gonna leave this place.

Which brings me to this point, what CAN I do in the future? Ever since I started Uni last year, I am certain my dreams of getting into the CO circle will slowly fade away. True enough, I find myself at an disadvantage already even if I still want to dive into this risky and unstable life. I don't have the qualifications, nor do I have the properly equipped knowledge in this field. I didn't go through any proper musical education, didn't attend any prestige music conservatory or institution. I've lost an edge. Same goes to being in the radio field, over the years I aspire to be a radio deejay, and again, I didn't start off in Mass Comm., I didn't immerse myself more into this, because while others are learning how to work the mic, I was learning how to work the engineering machine back in my Poly days. 

All in all, I've taken too many wrong steps in academic choices, and I really wish I have the courage to take the right step for my career choices. I don't want to be unhappy like how I am with my studies. Studying aimlessly for a future that I am not certain of. 

You may say it's just a matter of attitude. Frankly, you are right. It just boils down to my attitude on facing such adversities. Sometimes I feel so confident and courageous in facing what the future has in store for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world and I can conquer what ever that's thrown at me. But sometimes, I just feel like I'm at a lost, I feel I've lost my competitive edge. 

I really don't want to blame my father for all of this mess. I mean, the old man has provided me financially and it's going to bleed him dry. I don't want to go through studies anymore if I can't even support myself and be less independent from my dad. I felt that he has the rights to make academic choices for me, that he has a say in what I study. I understand the fact that he's just doing for my sake, in hopes that I'll be able to survive in the competitive world. He doesn't wish that I'll be living in poverty, just like how both my parents started out as. But dad, I can't help feel that your dreams and ideals are slowly crushing me into a mould that I just do not fit in.

I want to finish my studies smoothly, yet I can't stop thinking of what career should I get into once I finish my studies. Why? Because of my student pass and work permit which will ultimately affect my stay in Singapore. That's my biggest concern.

Day 3

Day 3 ended in a blink of an eye. Maybe it’s due to the fact that I’ve been keeping myself busy the whole day with teaching and orchestra rehearsals.

Saw you online on Facebook near midnight, but I still managed to resist the temptation of dropping you a message. Sigh… Sometimes I really wish you’re reading these posts. I wonder how have you been, hope you’ve been coping well with your studies.

Went shopping in the afternoon before teaching to distract myself, even met with Charmaine at night, so I guess the day was good. It only sucked when I’m not doing anything and I’ll instantly think of you. Really need to stop, man.

How can I not take pic with her!  Thanks for the Banana printed T-shirt boo! 

On to day 4...

Day 2

Just like that, I powered through the pain for day 2. I realise I’ve been sleeping longer hours and I find it even more difficult to wake up too. Maybe it’s just me subconsciously not wanting to face the reality that has happened between us.

But throughout the day, I made a resolution. For your sake, and maybe for my own sake too, I’ll tough it out. Not the first time this happened between us, and like you always said, I’ll get through it somehow.

I hope you’re reading this — You know how much it hurts me to not be able to be in contact with you, so I want you to know, that I’ll be able to get through this, and I want you to know, the next time we meet, it’ll be worth it and we’ll make the most of out it!

So just like that, Day 2 ended.

Day 1

After what seems like weeks of argument, finally, it ends. No more excuses for me to engage in a conversation with you through texting, no more chances of us seeing each other. No more reason why we were to argue. 

I suddenly felt lighter when we said our goodbyes. This sense of saying goodbye, it's so numbing, yet, still so much pain, and unknowingly, my vision blurred. Removing the emoji icons from your name, deleting your contacts picture, archiving our whatsapp chat. I'm just trying my best to not think of you throughout this period of time. After all this time, you're still the one I felt...Sigh.. I'll probably never ever going to love again. Maybe that's how my life will be. 

Today marks the beginning, the beginning of Day 1. 

Will we end up becoming strangers? Till we meet again, I suppose.

你是真正的快乐吗？