Day 5

Finally had my monthly outing with my Malaysia secondary school classmates, and just like I  predicted, it was hell of a stressful. Most of them already had a stable job, and one has already finished NUS and is on the prowl for a job. Another one even already got her Singapore P.R. 

The thought of them having a stable life, (other than the fact their woes now are mostly about pay not being high enough etc.), makes me feel even more insecure of my own future. August is finally here, less than 5 more months of uni studies and it's all over. Where will live take me next? I've built a new life here in Singapore, I ain't gonna leave this place.

Which brings me to this point, what CAN I do in the future? Ever since I started Uni last year, I am certain my dreams of getting into the CO circle will slowly fade away. True enough, I find myself at an disadvantage already even if I still want to dive into this risky and unstable life. I don't have the qualifications, nor do I have the properly equipped knowledge in this field. I didn't go through any proper musical education, didn't attend any prestige music conservatory or institution. I've lost an edge. Same goes to being in the radio field, over the years I aspire to be a radio deejay, and again, I didn't start off in Mass Comm., I didn't immerse myself more into this, because while others are learning how to work the mic, I was learning how to work the engineering machine back in my Poly days. 

All in all, I've taken too many wrong steps in academic choices, and I really wish I have the courage to take the right step for my career choices. I don't want to be unhappy like how I am with my studies. Studying aimlessly for a future that I am not certain of. 

You may say it's just a matter of attitude. Frankly, you are right. It just boils down to my attitude on facing such adversities. Sometimes I feel so confident and courageous in facing what the future has in store for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world and I can conquer what ever that's thrown at me. But sometimes, I just feel like I'm at a lost, I feel I've lost my competitive edge. 

I really don't want to blame my father for all of this mess. I mean, the old man has provided me financially and it's going to bleed him dry. I don't want to go through studies anymore if I can't even support myself and be less independent from my dad. I felt that he has the rights to make academic choices for me, that he has a say in what I study. I understand the fact that he's just doing for my sake, in hopes that I'll be able to survive in the competitive world. He doesn't wish that I'll be living in poverty, just like how both my parents started out as. But dad, I can't help feel that your dreams and ideals are slowly crushing me into a mould that I just do not fit in.

I want to finish my studies smoothly, yet I can't stop thinking of what career should I get into once I finish my studies. Why? Because of my student pass and work permit which will ultimately affect my stay in Singapore. That's my biggest concern.