Balance

I've always been the person that puts others before me. I'm also the type of person that always sticks to that few close friends because I feel comfortable with them and there's no need to bare my all to others if I don't see ourselves spending life together in the long run. And that's the bad thing.

Recently, I've been thinking, and also looking back at my few years here in Singapore. I realise, when I have a crush on someone, I immediately raise the person's status. Everything I do or think I'll consider putting the crush first. I'll think of many ways in order to spend more time, find excuses to talk to that person more without being annoying. At the same time, I tend to neglect other things, like my other friends who's not part of the circle that my crush and I share, for example.

And that's when it hits me. There's gotta be balance. No shit, that's how life should be. Easier said than done, though. Especially when I'm really into someone. There really must be balance, I shouldn't constantly bug the crush, give them personal space, give them the freedom to hang out with whoever they want, and also to live my own life too, and hang out with my friends that I mustn't neglect. But that's the past anyway.

Oh well, it's just a thought that's been running through my mind recently. I know what are my weaknesses, and I know that I can be annoying and suffocating, and I'm really doing my best to change these bad habits, so yea.

1. The failure

So yea, I’m finally opening up to this, because I’m the sort of person that doesn’t enjoy mentioning my failures, but hey, I think it’s about time I say something about it.

If you have known me for years, you’d probably won’t be a stranger to an instrument called the Yang Qin. Yes darlings, I play a chinese instrument called the Yang Qin (google/youtube it if you have no idea how it looks like). So yea, it was since 2013, when I took part in the Malaysia National Chinese Music Competition , and shamefully not entering even the semi-finals, I was really in the slumps. I was so confident. I was so filled with hope that I could make something out of it, that I can prove myself to my parents that my passion for yangqin will not go to waste.

I was so naive.

Not entering semi-finals was a low blow, and I remembered locking myself in the hotel room and refuse to talk or see anyone because my pride was so bruised. You’d probably think how I should just let it go at that moment, and you’d also probably say things like “Oh competition doesn’t mean a thing!” or “Better luck next time!“

And at the same year, I took my yangqin Diploma examination. Using the failure as fuel to drive myself forward, I really felt I was ready for it. I was ready to ace it like how I got distinction for my Grade 9 Yang Qin examination. In the end? Just barely passed. Again, a huge blow. But when 2014 came, when the registration for Singapore’s National Chinese Music Competition was opened, not doing well for Diploma totally did not stop me from registering.

Again, my previous failures fuelled me to push myself even harder. I tried to practice daily, day and night, despite my University studies and homework adding the extra weight. Even during exam period where I limited myself to practice only 2 hours per day. I worked my best. Juggling both Yang Qin and my studies. I was even part of the ensemble category, but I was still determined.

Moments before going up on stage for the preliminary round. I had that sense of adrenaline. The months of hard work, the encouragement I’ve been getting along the way. It felt like I can finally redeem myself. I really thought, “Wow! This is it! The moment I’ve worked so hard for. The moment to prove to my parents. To my yq buddy. To my teacher. Most importantly, to myself. That I can do it! I can do it! That so much low blows that I’ve went through is gonna be worth it!” Even minutes before going up on stage, my laoshi held my hand tight, telling me to be calm, collected and steady-hearted.

In the end, I even missed the announcement of contestants getting into finals.

I didn’t make it into finals.

I don’t know how to continue typing this post. I thought, hey, it’s probably a good ending. But it’s not, it’s just the beginning of a chain of emotional backlash. But cutting things short, I didn’t handle this as well as I thought could. It really ate into me. Which brings us to the next point…

*Dishonourable mention*

• I failed a module in the 1st semester of Uni, which I had to redo in the 2nd semester. I was told that if I fail the module again, I could be kicked out of uni. And during the 2nd semester final exams. I thought I was done for because I fucked up my paper. Through weeks of agonising pain of waiting for the results to be announced, I still carried on with my routine practice and preparation for competition.
• In the end however, I miraculously passed, and I made it to 2nd year.
• At least I have that going which is nice.

ps: Too lazy to proofread any grammar/spelling mistake. So I apologise for the discomfort brought to you by my current/future posts. MOVING ON.

Opening up.

That moment, when you’re emotionally going through so much to a point you’re scared of making your friends get fed up with listening to your problems. It does make you wonder, what the fuck is wrong with ourselves and also are they really our friends.

Bottling up doesn’t seem like a good option anymore. Even a glass bottle will burst after subjecting it to too much pressure.

“You just have to learn to deal with it” That’s one phrase I hear from time to time, and it does make me feel like I’ve bored you with my problems to a point where you don’t care anymore. But, how can I blame you?

“There’s a deep deep lost of hope, and the anger burns in me“. Lol, I just had to quote something from Mariah. Oh, Mariah.

So what’s really bothering me so much?! In no particular order, they are:

1. The failures

2. The fire

3. The rejection

And because of this, in some way, point 3 will inevitably lead to….

Point 4. The jealousy.

Belated Happy New Year Post

Is this supposed to be a mandatory New Year post where I'll list down my new year resolutions and only to come back near the end of the year and laugh at myself for not completing any of it? 

Maybe. Maybe not.

2014 went by so quickly, it felt like the years are moving at a constant acceleration. For 2015 however, I wish time would just slow down a little bit, for it is my final year in University, where will life take me after that, when 2016 comes, I don't know. All I know is, I want to treasure every moment for 2015.

2014 was a rough year. I mean, sure, I got into University, and made it through the year, but that was it. That was the only thing that went well for me. And of course there's the National Chinese Music Competition ensemble win, which I MIGHT get to in a bit.

My 23rd birthday last year was the most memorable too. The good way and the bad way. 

Other than that, everything just felt shitty.

I tried being positive. Looks like I'm not trying hard enough. 

Know what? Let's just skip to the part where I list down my resolutions and hopefully be able to accomplish them as the year progress. No point continuing how shitty 2014 was.

So here are the things I wish to achieve for 2015:  

1. Be a happier person

The one that always make people laugh, the one that always look cheerful and filled with laughter. That's me. But sometimes in the heat of creating much laughter, I often ask myself am I truly happy. Often I come to a conclusion that I'm just hiding my sorrows by making people laugh. I mean, how much sadness can one person feel?? So yea, gotta be happier and genuinely spread the happiness and laughter around.

2. Slim the fuck down

Isn't this like a must for fat people like me? I mean, sure there was really progress last year when I started running. But the past 2 months was, meh. Putting the weight back on and no I don't want that. Apart from staying healthy, I wanna slim down in order to shut some people up. Yea, I'm damn annoyed being called fat. As confident as I can be, more charismatic or whatever you call me, I just want to make a difference in my life. AND THIS WORLD CAN BE SOOOOO SHALLOW. Might as well do my part in making myself more appealing. If I don't have the looks, at least I can have a better body to go SOME places.

3. Be a better person, and a better friend

I've let my friends down when I told them I wanted a break from everyone. I need to figure somethings on my own, and I wish to return as a better person. I've lost my fire, you guys. I wish to rekindle it, give me time, ok? 

4. GET THROUGH UNIVERSITY

Must I elaborate?

5. Not let go of the things that matters to me the most

Recently, I keep telling myself that I should quit, due to failures and what nots, but no. I shall firmly tell myself to hang on to the things I love and cherish. A few set backs will not break my spirit. Even if it means I lost the fire, there's still a tiny ember waiting to engulf my body. 

So yea, there's probably more things I want to achieve, but I'll just keep the list as such. I know how I say things like "Oh we don't have to wait till a new year to change, why not just do it on any day of the year, why wait?" , but hey, this needs to be done someday.

So! Happy belated New Year 2015! Cheers!