So yea, I’m finally opening up to this, because I’m the sort of person that doesn’t enjoy mentioning my failures, but hey, I think it’s about time I say something about it.
If you have known me for years, you’d probably won’t be a stranger to an instrument called the Yang Qin. Yes darlings, I play a chinese instrument called the Yang Qin (google/youtube it if you have no idea how it looks like). So yea, it was since 2013, when I took part in the Malaysia National Chinese Music Competition , and shamefully not entering even the semi-finals, I was really in the slumps. I was so confident. I was so filled with hope that I could make something out of it, that I can prove myself to my parents that my passion for yangqin will not go to waste.
I was so naive.
Not entering semi-finals was a low blow, and I remembered locking myself in the hotel room and refuse to talk or see anyone because my pride was so bruised. You’d probably think how I should just let it go at that moment, and you’d also probably say things like “Oh competition doesn’t mean a thing!” or “Better luck next time!“
And at the same year, I took my yangqin Diploma examination. Using the failure as fuel to drive myself forward, I really felt I was ready for it. I was ready to ace it like how I got distinction for my Grade 9 Yang Qin examination. In the end? Just barely passed. Again, a huge blow. But when 2014 came, when the registration for Singapore’s National Chinese Music Competition was opened, not doing well for Diploma totally did not stop me from registering.
Again, my previous failures fuelled me to push myself even harder. I tried to practice daily, day and night, despite my University studies and homework adding the extra weight. Even during exam period where I limited myself to practice only 2 hours per day. I worked my best. Juggling both Yang Qin and my studies. I was even part of the ensemble category, but I was still determined.
Moments before going up on stage for the preliminary round. I had that sense of adrenaline. The months of hard work, the encouragement I’ve been getting along the way. It felt like I can finally redeem myself. I really thought, “Wow! This is it! The moment I’ve worked so hard for. The moment to prove to my parents. To my yq buddy. To my teacher. Most importantly, to myself. That I can do it! I can do it! That so much low blows that I’ve went through is gonna be worth it!” Even minutes before going up on stage, my laoshi held my hand tight, telling me to be calm, collected and steady-hearted.
In the end, I even missed the announcement of contestants getting into finals.
I didn’t make it into finals.
I don’t know how to continue typing this post. I thought, hey, it’s probably a good ending. But it’s not, it’s just the beginning of a chain of emotional backlash. But cutting things short, I didn’t handle this as well as I thought could. It really ate into me. Which brings us to the next point…
*Dishonourable mention*
- I failed a module in the 1st semester of Uni, which I had to redo in the 2nd semester. I was told that if I fail the module again, I could be kicked out of uni. And during the 2nd semester final exams. I thought I was done for because I fucked up my paper. Through weeks of agonising pain of waiting for the results to be announced, I still carried on with my routine practice and preparation for competition.
- In the end however, I miraculously passed, and I made it to 2nd year.
- At least I have that going which is nice.
ps: Too lazy to proofread any grammar/spelling mistake. So I apologise for the discomfort brought to you by my current/future posts. MOVING ON.
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