Day 7

Another long day for a Sunday. Started the day in Chengsan, followed by guest performing with PCO in Boon Lay in the afternoon, and later flying over to Mountbatten for rehearsals with DingYi Youth in the evening. Didn’t even feel tired until I was on the train home, it all just came crashing down.

One thing I wanted to highlight is how during the performance in the afternoon with PCO, while we were playing the set of Singapore Patriotic songs, the audience were all in smiles, children were dancing and singing along while the adults had this sense of nostalgia and pride on their face.

This moment really made me pause and wondered how there’s this strong sense of nationalism in Singaporeans. Sure I here them complain about the country and government all the time, but really, as a Malaysian, and growing up back home, I rarely see people swaying and being moved by our country’s patriotic anthems. Sure there were a few good ones like “KeranaMu Malaysia” (For You Malaysia) and “Jalur Gemilang” (Flag anthem) and the kid in me to always sing along with my best friends back in primary school and secondary school. The songs really had great meaning and not to mention a great tune to sing along to, not to mention march to. It was filled with hope and a great sense of wanting the country to move even forward.

Maybe that’s it, maybe that’s how it felt for the Singaporeans to be listening to the anthems we were playing for the afternoon. Maybe it just so happen that Singapore’s use of NDP songs really touched people’s heart, or either that the songs are really damn nice la!

Day 6

What a long day it was, rushing from Clementi to Boon Lay for rehearsals, then rushing over to AMK for a night performance with Cheng San. But it's just the sort of busy-ness that I need. To distract me from those unpleasant thought that have been pulling me down. 

It was a lot of fun, considering that I've been in charge of sectional leader duty while the other is on-leave, and also managed to pull in a few SP juniors to join Cheng San. It's great to have them around. (Plus, I look so damn fabulous in the first picture).

STILL... A little disappointed when I was told that SCO has a performance on the 22nd of August, which happens to be the day of my solo performance with DingYi Youth.. Which means, my laoshi won't be able to attend. No fair.. She attended others.. But when it's finally my turn she couldn't make it.. Who am I to complain though? I'm no champion anyway..

Sigh.. gonna start thinking negatively again.. Oh well.. 

Day 5

Finally had my monthly outing with my Malaysia secondary school classmates, and just like I  predicted, it was hell of a stressful. Most of them already had a stable job, and one has already finished NUS and is on the prowl for a job. Another one even already got her Singapore P.R. 

The thought of them having a stable life, (other than the fact their woes now are mostly about pay not being high enough etc.), makes me feel even more insecure of my own future. August is finally here, less than 5 more months of uni studies and it's all over. Where will live take me next? I've built a new life here in Singapore, I ain't gonna leave this place.

Which brings me to this point, what CAN I do in the future? Ever since I started Uni last year, I am certain my dreams of getting into the CO circle will slowly fade away. True enough, I find myself at an disadvantage already even if I still want to dive into this risky and unstable life. I don't have the qualifications, nor do I have the properly equipped knowledge in this field. I didn't go through any proper musical education, didn't attend any prestige music conservatory or institution. I've lost an edge. Same goes to being in the radio field, over the years I aspire to be a radio deejay, and again, I didn't start off in Mass Comm., I didn't immerse myself more into this, because while others are learning how to work the mic, I was learning how to work the engineering machine back in my Poly days. 

All in all, I've taken too many wrong steps in academic choices, and I really wish I have the courage to take the right step for my career choices. I don't want to be unhappy like how I am with my studies. Studying aimlessly for a future that I am not certain of. 

You may say it's just a matter of attitude. Frankly, you are right. It just boils down to my attitude on facing such adversities. Sometimes I feel so confident and courageous in facing what the future has in store for me. Sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world and I can conquer what ever that's thrown at me. But sometimes, I just feel like I'm at a lost, I feel I've lost my competitive edge. 

I really don't want to blame my father for all of this mess. I mean, the old man has provided me financially and it's going to bleed him dry. I don't want to go through studies anymore if I can't even support myself and be less independent from my dad. I felt that he has the rights to make academic choices for me, that he has a say in what I study. I understand the fact that he's just doing for my sake, in hopes that I'll be able to survive in the competitive world. He doesn't wish that I'll be living in poverty, just like how both my parents started out as. But dad, I can't help feel that your dreams and ideals are slowly crushing me into a mould that I just do not fit in.

I want to finish my studies smoothly, yet I can't stop thinking of what career should I get into once I finish my studies. Why? Because of my student pass and work permit which will ultimately affect my stay in Singapore. That's my biggest concern.

Day 3

Day 3 ended in a blink of an eye. Maybe it’s due to the fact that I’ve been keeping myself busy the whole day with teaching and orchestra rehearsals.

Saw you online on Facebook near midnight, but I still managed to resist the temptation of dropping you a message. Sigh… Sometimes I really wish you’re reading these posts. I wonder how have you been, hope you’ve been coping well with your studies.

Went shopping in the afternoon before teaching to distract myself, even met with Charmaine at night, so I guess the day was good. It only sucked when I’m not doing anything and I’ll instantly think of you. Really need to stop, man.

How can I not take pic with her!  Thanks for the Banana printed T-shirt boo! 

On to day 4...

Day 2

Just like that, I powered through the pain for day 2. I realise I’ve been sleeping longer hours and I find it even more difficult to wake up too. Maybe it’s just me subconsciously not wanting to face the reality that has happened between us.

But throughout the day, I made a resolution. For your sake, and maybe for my own sake too, I’ll tough it out. Not the first time this happened between us, and like you always said, I’ll get through it somehow.

I hope you’re reading this — You know how much it hurts me to not be able to be in contact with you, so I want you to know, that I’ll be able to get through this, and I want you to know, the next time we meet, it’ll be worth it and we’ll make the most of out it!

So just like that, Day 2 ended.

Day 1

After what seems like weeks of argument, finally, it ends. No more excuses for me to engage in a conversation with you through texting, no more chances of us seeing each other. No more reason why we were to argue. 

I suddenly felt lighter when we said our goodbyes. This sense of saying goodbye, it's so numbing, yet, still so much pain, and unknowingly, my vision blurred. Removing the emoji icons from your name, deleting your contacts picture, archiving our whatsapp chat. I'm just trying my best to not think of you throughout this period of time. After all this time, you're still the one I felt...Sigh.. I'll probably never ever going to love again. Maybe that's how my life will be. 

Today marks the beginning, the beginning of Day 1. 

Will we end up becoming strangers? Till we meet again, I suppose.

你是真正的快乐吗？

When a person falls in love, or even getting into a relationship, they lose two of their best friends. 

Sometimes I can't help myself but agree to this. More and more of my close friends are getting into relationships of their own, so maybe I can say I'm going through this first hand? I'm not saying that I'm being bitter, I'm not saying I'm not putting in effort into my friendships, just, things happen, and it really makes me wonder.

Balance

I've always been the person that puts others before me. I'm also the type of person that always sticks to that few close friends because I feel comfortable with them and there's no need to bare my all to others if I don't see ourselves spending life together in the long run. And that's the bad thing.

Recently, I've been thinking, and also looking back at my few years here in Singapore. I realise, when I have a crush on someone, I immediately raise the person's status. Everything I do or think I'll consider putting the crush first. I'll think of many ways in order to spend more time, find excuses to talk to that person more without being annoying. At the same time, I tend to neglect other things, like my other friends who's not part of the circle that my crush and I share, for example.

And that's when it hits me. There's gotta be balance. No shit, that's how life should be. Easier said than done, though. Especially when I'm really into someone. There really must be balance, I shouldn't constantly bug the crush, give them personal space, give them the freedom to hang out with whoever they want, and also to live my own life too, and hang out with my friends that I mustn't neglect. But that's the past anyway.

Oh well, it's just a thought that's been running through my mind recently. I know what are my weaknesses, and I know that I can be annoying and suffocating, and I'm really doing my best to change these bad habits, so yea.

1. The failure

So yea, I’m finally opening up to this, because I’m the sort of person that doesn’t enjoy mentioning my failures, but hey, I think it’s about time I say something about it.

If you have known me for years, you’d probably won’t be a stranger to an instrument called the Yang Qin. Yes darlings, I play a chinese instrument called the Yang Qin (google/youtube it if you have no idea how it looks like). So yea, it was since 2013, when I took part in the Malaysia National Chinese Music Competition , and shamefully not entering even the semi-finals, I was really in the slumps. I was so confident. I was so filled with hope that I could make something out of it, that I can prove myself to my parents that my passion for yangqin will not go to waste.

I was so naive.

Not entering semi-finals was a low blow, and I remembered locking myself in the hotel room and refuse to talk or see anyone because my pride was so bruised. You’d probably think how I should just let it go at that moment, and you’d also probably say things like “Oh competition doesn’t mean a thing!” or “Better luck next time!“

And at the same year, I took my yangqin Diploma examination. Using the failure as fuel to drive myself forward, I really felt I was ready for it. I was ready to ace it like how I got distinction for my Grade 9 Yang Qin examination. In the end? Just barely passed. Again, a huge blow. But when 2014 came, when the registration for Singapore’s National Chinese Music Competition was opened, not doing well for Diploma totally did not stop me from registering.

Again, my previous failures fuelled me to push myself even harder. I tried to practice daily, day and night, despite my University studies and homework adding the extra weight. Even during exam period where I limited myself to practice only 2 hours per day. I worked my best. Juggling both Yang Qin and my studies. I was even part of the ensemble category, but I was still determined.

Moments before going up on stage for the preliminary round. I had that sense of adrenaline. The months of hard work, the encouragement I’ve been getting along the way. It felt like I can finally redeem myself. I really thought, “Wow! This is it! The moment I’ve worked so hard for. The moment to prove to my parents. To my yq buddy. To my teacher. Most importantly, to myself. That I can do it! I can do it! That so much low blows that I’ve went through is gonna be worth it!” Even minutes before going up on stage, my laoshi held my hand tight, telling me to be calm, collected and steady-hearted.

In the end, I even missed the announcement of contestants getting into finals.

I didn’t make it into finals.

I don’t know how to continue typing this post. I thought, hey, it’s probably a good ending. But it’s not, it’s just the beginning of a chain of emotional backlash. But cutting things short, I didn’t handle this as well as I thought could. It really ate into me. Which brings us to the next point…

*Dishonourable mention*

• I failed a module in the 1st semester of Uni, which I had to redo in the 2nd semester. I was told that if I fail the module again, I could be kicked out of uni. And during the 2nd semester final exams. I thought I was done for because I fucked up my paper. Through weeks of agonising pain of waiting for the results to be announced, I still carried on with my routine practice and preparation for competition.
• In the end however, I miraculously passed, and I made it to 2nd year.
• At least I have that going which is nice.

ps: Too lazy to proofread any grammar/spelling mistake. So I apologise for the discomfort brought to you by my current/future posts. MOVING ON.

Opening up.

That moment, when you’re emotionally going through so much to a point you’re scared of making your friends get fed up with listening to your problems. It does make you wonder, what the fuck is wrong with ourselves and also are they really our friends.

Bottling up doesn’t seem like a good option anymore. Even a glass bottle will burst after subjecting it to too much pressure.

“You just have to learn to deal with it” That’s one phrase I hear from time to time, and it does make me feel like I’ve bored you with my problems to a point where you don’t care anymore. But, how can I blame you?

“There’s a deep deep lost of hope, and the anger burns in me“. Lol, I just had to quote something from Mariah. Oh, Mariah.

So what’s really bothering me so much?! In no particular order, they are:

1. The failures

2. The fire

3. The rejection

And because of this, in some way, point 3 will inevitably lead to….

Point 4. The jealousy.

Belated Happy New Year Post

Is this supposed to be a mandatory New Year post where I'll list down my new year resolutions and only to come back near the end of the year and laugh at myself for not completing any of it? 

Maybe. Maybe not.

2014 went by so quickly, it felt like the years are moving at a constant acceleration. For 2015 however, I wish time would just slow down a little bit, for it is my final year in University, where will life take me after that, when 2016 comes, I don't know. All I know is, I want to treasure every moment for 2015.

2014 was a rough year. I mean, sure, I got into University, and made it through the year, but that was it. That was the only thing that went well for me. And of course there's the National Chinese Music Competition ensemble win, which I MIGHT get to in a bit.

My 23rd birthday last year was the most memorable too. The good way and the bad way. 

Other than that, everything just felt shitty.

I tried being positive. Looks like I'm not trying hard enough. 

Know what? Let's just skip to the part where I list down my resolutions and hopefully be able to accomplish them as the year progress. No point continuing how shitty 2014 was.

So here are the things I wish to achieve for 2015:  

1. Be a happier person

The one that always make people laugh, the one that always look cheerful and filled with laughter. That's me. But sometimes in the heat of creating much laughter, I often ask myself am I truly happy. Often I come to a conclusion that I'm just hiding my sorrows by making people laugh. I mean, how much sadness can one person feel?? So yea, gotta be happier and genuinely spread the happiness and laughter around.

2. Slim the fuck down

Isn't this like a must for fat people like me? I mean, sure there was really progress last year when I started running. But the past 2 months was, meh. Putting the weight back on and no I don't want that. Apart from staying healthy, I wanna slim down in order to shut some people up. Yea, I'm damn annoyed being called fat. As confident as I can be, more charismatic or whatever you call me, I just want to make a difference in my life. AND THIS WORLD CAN BE SOOOOO SHALLOW. Might as well do my part in making myself more appealing. If I don't have the looks, at least I can have a better body to go SOME places.

3. Be a better person, and a better friend

I've let my friends down when I told them I wanted a break from everyone. I need to figure somethings on my own, and I wish to return as a better person. I've lost my fire, you guys. I wish to rekindle it, give me time, ok? 

4. GET THROUGH UNIVERSITY

Must I elaborate?

5. Not let go of the things that matters to me the most

Recently, I keep telling myself that I should quit, due to failures and what nots, but no. I shall firmly tell myself to hang on to the things I love and cherish. A few set backs will not break my spirit. Even if it means I lost the fire, there's still a tiny ember waiting to engulf my body. 

So yea, there's probably more things I want to achieve, but I'll just keep the list as such. I know how I say things like "Oh we don't have to wait till a new year to change, why not just do it on any day of the year, why wait?" , but hey, this needs to be done someday.

So! Happy belated New Year 2015! Cheers!