It's time for a change

It took me days to realize I was falling for you, and it took me months to let the feel deepens.

It took me weeks to let me realize that you weren't falling for me, and it took me seconds to totally let go with tears shed.

Yes, I lost the fight, and I'm finally talking about it. Just as I thought there was magic between us, you chose lust when you deceived me, and it truly is a tragic. We both lost it all, the love has gone.

I felt our world had been infected, the moment you treated me differently, you started neglecting me. We found our lives been changed, you lost me.
Letting you go, was easier than I thought it would be. Maybe it's because, I have good companions like Jade, Jamie Gan, Aaron Song. Crazy people to play with like Ryan Nathan Lee and Jin Yu. I channelled all my anger, all my sorrow into spending time with people that I have right now, in Singapore.

There's nothing I can do to prevent this from happening so soon, I had tried my best, but still you avoided me from letting me enter your world. I don't blame you for that.
Here, I wish you joy and happiness, with the person you chose to be with. I'll be fine here, because I learnt how to be stronger than ever.

Sure, there were times when I still shed tears looking at the pictures we took together, all the SMSes we sent, or even recalling the crazy moments we had together. But not anymore, I may still be fighting to forget, but still, thank you for the good memories.
From day 1, when I found out I had fallen for you, I knew it was a gamble, and I was willing to be a risk taker, the pretender. And, from day 1, I realize that things weren't working out as I thought it would be, I already started letting go, that's why, I wasn't as hurt as before.

The previous falls that I had, thought me to be stronger, to be better, to be wiser, and I managed to pull through this time. Typing this post, means that I am ready to carry on.

But still, ready doesn't mean willing is it?

I do believe, we are still friends? Or you chose to shun me from your world ever again. What ever the outcome maybe, I'm sure, that time will slowly sort things out between us.

For now, it's time for a change.

Dyeing my hair, signifies the will to let go of the dark past I been in. I hope there will be more change to come, as I slowly stand up from the pain I still suffered from.

Thank you my friends, for always being there for me. It truly is appreciated.
In the end, when I read this post from the top, tears came rolling down again. Was it tears of happiness, that I finally have the courage to face it? ; Or was is tears of sadness, over the lost that I had?
Whatever the reasons may be, life still moves on. May a brighter tomorrow awaits us all.

I know...

I know, from the instant you started neglecting me, the magic is already drowning. I know, from the moment we stopped webcamming, you were tired of me. I know, from the time you started treated me this way, you had your heart looking at someone else.

I see it all, I know it all, that's a really sad thing. For now, I felt like I was used for amusement. I won't blame you for that. I will never blame you for that. I'll just carry this burdened self away from your life. But how I'd wish you tell me that, and not leave me waiting for weeks, for months. The day and nights wanting for you to online, waiting for you to reply. The time I spent trying to figure out what's in your mind.

All those time, how I'd wish you just tell me. So I won't be a fool of myself. I gave you my all, and I was treated unkindly.

What is more to do for me? There's no point going forward, I have lost the fight. I'll just pack my bags and leave. I am letting go again. Those past months, with only you in my head. Now, I'll have to occupy that hole in my heart with other things.

The first step of letting go, was to remove you from my 'favourite' list in my MSN, then removed you from my featured friend's list. There is more to be done, but at least, remove the things were I can actually see your name.

I am so afraid of seeing your name. The sight of people mention your name trembles me.

It's official, I am going to let go. Maybe, until the distant future, I shall return. For now, are we still friends?

In Sync

This is it, I'm finally in sync with my inner self. I have finally ventured to that part of me that I wanted to voice out so much. It's that vulnerable side of me. Right now, I am stripped down to nothing. So let's begin.

First of all, I'm proud to say that I was able to walk out from my past relationship, to not linger in that place I call pain and suffer. I was so happy when I took the first time away from those time, and was glad that I even grew up into a more confident and happier person. I felt appreciated again, I felt the warmth of my friends. I feel like I can rule the world, I can manage this life for sure.

But still, just as I thought things were going great, I failed to recognize that insecurity inside of me still exist. As I grew confident, or so I thought I had, I climbed higher. I know I am going to fall hard if things didn't go well, but it didn't stop me, I was going full steam ahead.

Right now, things are getting shaky, and to be honest, as much as I didn't want to say this, I felt neglected. We had magic, it really did, I can sense that spark in you, but alas, I wasn't there to ignite that spark. You don't really say it, you even dismiss the facts as well. And frankly, I dismissed that too. I've been doing nothing.

All I have been doing, is pretend.

I pretended that I am confident, I pretended that I am happy and perky all the time, I pretended that I don't really have any sorrow at all. Noone could read my mind, no one can see through my eyes, no one, could have even reached that deep inside my heart. I used to leave it open, but now, I found out, that it's really hard for me to open up. Slowly, I'm closing up the doorway to my heart again. I pretended to be something else when I'm actually feeling what I felt at that time.

I didn't want my friends to be affected by my sorrow.

Maybe at that instant, when I spent time with my friends, I was happy, because that was the moment I didn't think of it. But still, when I'm all alone, when I turn off the lights, I realize, I have nothing at all. That great sense of insecurity overwhelms me yet again. And all I could do is frown upon myself.

I don't get it, why do I keep myself so down when I'm alone? Is it because this time I've given even more of myself? Is it because that I thought things are and will be going well? Is it because I've been avoiding the fact that it will end of in disaster? Is it because I've been lying to myself all this time? Is it because I'd make a big gamble bound to fail?

Have I been hiding myself too much? Behind those sexy pose that I make in front of the camera, did I conceal my sorrow very well? Behind the vanity that I shown so much this far, did I leave out that raw part of me? I choose to be that way, because indirectly and directly, I wanted to hide.

I wanted to hide my insecurity, I wanted to hide my fear, I wanted to hide my exhausted body, I wanted to hide my shyness, I wanted to hide almost everything bad about me, just to make sure all my friends see are good things about me.

I'm letting myself cry over it. But then again, I am about to leave this place again. Hopefully when I venture back to this place, I will continue this little post about my inner world.

Till then. I'm going to put on my clothes again. The show continues.

Sunny skies, sandy beaches, gentle waves.

Sunny skies, sandy beaches, gentle waves. That's what I really wish to be in now. To be able to sit under the warm gentle sun, to be able to listen to the gentle waves slowly beating onto the sandy shore. To listen to the seagulls softly whispering with each other, to be able to listen to the coconut trees leafs rattle and battle softly upon the soft and cooling breeze, to feel calm, tranquil and no worries. The swaying of the coconut trees, the soft Caribbean music playing me into a relaxed slumber.

Let's step into my inner world....

The hustle and bustle of city streets, the constant darkness I be in when I have noone around. The temptations, the horrors. The untrustables, the distance between friendships. The emotional breakdowns. The ballads that I always listen, rings so strongly inside myself. How I wish you knew, that how much I need you. I feel like running away, towards that sunny beach that I crave for, but I can't abandoned you. You avoid my gaze, withdraw from me these days, you punished me for trying to be what you wanted.

What more can I do?

In order to please you, I abandoned myself.

Yet slowly....

I'm walking away from this chaotic city life, and retreated myself to the sunny beaches that I aspire to go so much. I'm starting to strip myself again, showing that bare, and true self. Slowly, I realized the scars that I once had. I dismissed them.

As I walk towards serenity within myself, I find that, I brought you along into my serenity.

You appeared in both my chaotic and serene world. I guess, I am still very in love with you.

我很矛盾。

Sandakan Updates vid! Woots!! :DDD

Here it is guys! The 6th video blog! This time is about the trip back to Sandakan, and Pockys???