First of all, I'm proud to say that I was able to walk out from my past relationship, to not linger in that place I call pain and suffer. I was so happy when I took the first time away from those time, and was glad that I even grew up into a more confident and happier person. I felt appreciated again, I felt the warmth of my friends. I feel like I can rule the world, I can manage this life for sure.
But still, just as I thought things were going great, I failed to recognize that insecurity inside of me still exist. As I grew confident, or so I thought I had, I climbed higher. I know I am going to fall hard if things didn't go well, but it didn't stop me, I was going full steam ahead.
Right now, things are getting shaky, and to be honest, as much as I didn't want to say this, I felt neglected. We had magic, it really did, I can sense that spark in you, but alas, I wasn't there to ignite that spark. You don't really say it, you even dismiss the facts as well. And frankly, I dismissed that too. I've been doing nothing.
All I have been doing, is pretend.
I pretended that I am confident, I pretended that I am happy and perky all the time, I pretended that I don't really have any sorrow at all. Noone could read my mind, no one can see through my eyes, no one, could have even reached that deep inside my heart. I used to leave it open, but now, I found out, that it's really hard for me to open up. Slowly, I'm closing up the doorway to my heart again. I pretended to be something else when I'm actually feeling what I felt at that time.
I didn't want my friends to be affected by my sorrow.
Maybe at that instant, when I spent time with my friends, I was happy, because that was the moment I didn't think of it. But still, when I'm all alone, when I turn off the lights, I realize, I have nothing at all. That great sense of insecurity overwhelms me yet again. And all I could do is frown upon myself.
I don't get it, why do I keep myself so down when I'm alone? Is it because this time I've given even more of myself? Is it because that I thought things are and will be going well? Is it because I've been avoiding the fact that it will end of in disaster? Is it because I've been lying to myself all this time? Is it because I'd make a big gamble bound to fail?
Have I been hiding myself too much? Behind those sexy pose that I make in front of the camera, did I conceal my sorrow very well? Behind the vanity that I shown so much this far, did I leave out that raw part of me? I choose to be that way, because indirectly and directly, I wanted to hide.
I wanted to hide my insecurity, I wanted to hide my fear, I wanted to hide my exhausted body, I wanted to hide my shyness, I wanted to hide almost everything bad about me, just to make sure all my friends see are good things about me.
I'm letting myself cry over it. But then again, I am about to leave this place again. Hopefully when I venture back to this place, I will continue this little post about my inner world.
Till then. I'm going to put on my clothes again. The show continues.
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