MORE SCREAMS! hOLY SHIT?! WHAT?! RIGHT HMM... MY LINE'S BACK! GLORIOUS!
What happened so far within these few days of getting stuck without being able to online...
Let us trace back to WHY I couldn't online for a few days.
Parents banned? No. Bad weather? No. Faulty modem?
Closer..
Bad maintenance of the telecommunication system in Sandakan? Oh getting warmer.
The telekom building was set ablaze on Monday morning? Ding ding ding!
You're on fire!... Literally! xD
Hence leading to the distorted days of doing nothing concerning the internet. It felt, quite empty... But it was a good chance for me to finish off my art work that's due 31st of June.
Which I finally finish. Hooray! :D
And guess what, just when everyone was putting their guard down, just as I thought that it wouldn't happen.
It still did.
Let me break it for you. In a not so paranoid way.
Due to the current case of 4 H1N1 victims, Yu Yuan Secondary School is officially closed for a week. School shall resume on the 10th of August. Mid-term exam has been canceled for further notice.
Wow, it's my 230th entry in this blog. I need to wait for the mood is right to blog some particular entries, you know, to make it more emotionally appealing.
That's what it is. So stay tuned for future updates.
With a wave of the conductor stick, the whole orchestra moves the way the conductor moves.
They move to the way he moves, willingly, or unwillingly?
It's been half a year since I am on this pose. Apparently, I am going to graduate soon. And the orchestra shall be passed down to the next president.
But there's one question circulating me lately. What have I done for my orchestra?
I guess none. I felt so ashamed of it. I shouldn't have gotten onto this pose. I have so many things in mind, to improve the orchestra. But yea, sometimes it just couldn't be done.
They say a good leader is someone who uses their underlings well. It's true, but sometimes, there are things that I should go solo. I know, people are going to criticize on my actions, but, consider my age, I am very clear of what I am doing.
Please, don't judge a person by his expression on his face. Everyone has their own unique expression according to what is on their mind. So please don't make irrelevant assumptions, eh? I know, sometimes you guys say things that might seem piercing me, and my expression would somehow show dislike, but sorry to disappoint you, it's not. In fact, that's my listening look. And if you felt a great sense of dislike, it's upon myself. For making decision that gets criticized.
Please don't try reading my mind, you'll end up being in vain.
I know what's good for my orchestra, if I'm voted as one, I will do my best. I'm a perfectionist, so frustration plays along. You want me to cope with everyone? I do, in a way that people misunderstands. I don't feel under appreciated. It's just a sad case seeing people digging their own grave and let themselves perish.
I'm pretty sure, not many likes me in orchestra, well well, I'm so sorry, I can't please everyone.
Please, don't say that I'm spoiled. It may look like I have a perfect life at home, it's not! In fact, whose family is? One thing is for sure, I'm not a spoiled brat like some in school.
I may be not as good as the other club presidents like Simon, Connie, Tzy Tyng, San Teck, Yu Ze and Jie How. I may not be as creative as any of them. I may not be as skillful as any of them. Nor I'm as a good leader as they are.
I am trying my best.
When you have to cope with dropping grades, I have no choice. What can a perfectionist do.
It was a beautiful month of June. Everything was sweet. It spiced up my life. It was the few weeks of happiness. Everything I see is beautiful, everything I touch turns to gold. I was getting fatter from the sugary sweetness. Every minute every second it'll be in my mind, the love I was in. Every step I take flower would grow, every breathe I take rejuvenates the people around me. I had that aura around me that revives dead soul.
Then came the period where time took control of life. Time restricted from me from meeting up with my purpose of living. My sentimentalism took over too. The bright yellow aura died down. Grief engulfed my morning skies. And rain would beat on my window at night. Things went on like that. Bad things would fade through my thoughts, which I will dismiss.
It became impossible for me to love. And that day, that faithful day, when I listened to Christina Aguilera's Impossible. It happened.
The break up, was one of the thing that hurts most that moment. I was impressed though, that I was able to keep a straight face for a few hours before breaking down when there's nobody at home. The gloomy sky outside turned into thunder storms. The grief I had, turned into frustration. I was furious. Frustrated that I was left like that. For not even giving me a chance to speak up. For not even giving me a chance to let me tell you, how much I've been suffering before you even break up with me.
But yet, I just felt like it's the end of the world for ONE mere hour.
This relationship we shared. Was sweet, bumpy and short.
I deleted your every message, and that's when it starts to hurt. But.. I have move on.
I know, that you won't be visiting this blog anymore. Just like what you did, deleting me from you contact list in Hotmail and Facebook.
You suck!
You say it'll be pointless to say that you'll be here with me always? I want you to know, why you shouldn't you use the term FOREVER! You have to take responsibility.
Mr Hong was right, when you really love someone, and when we break up, more likely getting dumped, we'll blame it all at the partner. For being so selfish, so cruel, so cold, so heartless.
I was starting to recover from my previous bruises from getting together with you, now you doubled the pain. I hope you are happy.
Oh wait! You do!
What is it more to say? It's over. And I'm glad I have friends like Simon, Stella, Tzy Tyng, Su Tien, Bernice, Robert, Wei Wei and Jie How, Phui with me.
I'm single again ladies and gentlemen!
Impossible
It's impossible to love you If you don't let me know what you're feeling It's impossible for me to give you what you need If you're always hidin' from me I don't know what hurt you I just, I wanna make it right Cos boy I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind
It's impossible (impossible) Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you It's the way it is It's impossible (impossible) Oh baby it's impossible If you makin' it this way
Impossible to make it easy If you always tryin' to make it so damn hard How can I, how can I give you all my love, baby If you're always, always puttin' up your guard
This is not a circus Don't you play me for a clown How long can emotions keep on goin' up and down
It's impossible (impossible) Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you It's the way it is It's impossible (impossible) Oh baby it's impossible If you keep treating me this way Over, over (over and over)
Impossible baby (impossible, impossible) If you makin' it this way, this way Oh baby, it's impossible If you makin' it this way
It was art class, where we will be making candles with jelly candle. And that's when inspiration struck.
You're blue, and I'm red. Together, we mix to form romantic purple. There's a shell inside, and it's the one and only shell, because.. You're the only one I love.
So cold... the air outside... it's unbearable... There's no blanket for me to keep warm... It's so cold outside... Being left out...
Something is hiding inside the bush... Why isn't it showing yourself... The wind wasn't being merciful.. It kept blowing.. Harshly... Coldly.. The hiding shadow lurks by...
I had a nightmare... That got my heart pounding in heart and distress...
We made out at first... But things started to get messed up... As people saw us... We gotten separated.. In a deserted building... There weren't any furniture... Just dust and shattered wood.. I called out for you.. There weren't a reply.. The sky suddenly turned dark... I heard water gushing out from the showers.. I flew up the never ending flight of stairs.. I was engulfed in fear... I see.. a room.. a well lit room.. with three doors... I kicked the first door open.. Where the water sound could be heard... Splashing and dripping on the dry floor tile.. I shivered... and kicked open the next door..
It was dry and empty too... But the water splashing noise could still be heard from that two dry bathroom... I turned around to the last door, shaking I kicked it open... It was... A wall...
I screamed.. And dashed out to never ending stairs.. I found myself outside a balcony... The abandoned building took another form... A well lit, luxurious hotel... But.. It's empty.. Every room was empty... I jumped from balcony to balcony, to find more and more empty rooms.. Until... I reached a room.. filled with toy tractors and toy cars..
I couldn't take it.. I jumped... To find myself not on the ground floor, outside the building, but inside.. I knew it.. I was trapped.. Where are you.. I thought... I didn't hit the ground too.. I was clinging onto an enormous rack... As tall as the building itself.. It was a whole row of instruments... Behind the gigantic... Were the glass windows of the empty hotel rooms... But now I see two pairs of feet... In school socks and leather shoes... It was a girl and a boy...
Suddenly the boxes holding the instruments inside vibrated.. I was shocked and let go of my hands... I fell on the ground with a thump.. And the pair was peering at me.. Cursing at me for making so much noise.. Their eyes... their eyes.... Were scribbled with blue ink.. They were closing on me... closer.. with their hands stretched out... I felt the total emptiness and coldness surrounding me.. eating away my soul...
I woke up in the end.. In sweat.. The dream made me realize.. I was still feeling empty... and I felt pathetic of myself.. Because I made a promise to myself.. Not to feel sad over.. well.. something...
I miss the good times... 97 days left to UEC... Why must I suffer....
Recently, I find myself seeing some typical, girl bullying, girl hitting, big mouth boy in my life. I'm not standing up for anyone, I just find it annoying, obnoxious and absolutely childish.
I mean, it's okay to play with girls with some gestures, but doing it all the time, it's not just teasing or playing anymore, I find it harsh. Do you find it fun bullying other people?
Examples you say? I don't know how to describe in english d:
Gah, anyway, this doesn't goes out to him, but to everybody, especially boys. Grow up would you, people?
Classical, opera singing! It keeps playing in my head! I'm going crazy! And it's a good thing too! xD
Listening to opera singing, how did that happen? I loved it when I was just a little child xD
They even show some opera singing in Looney Tunes and Disney cartoons. Bugs Bunny for example. Tom and Jerry. And now with the great use of technology and the internet, I was able to listen to some of the famous and classical ones.
Thanks to Simon too for giving me a whole file of Classical music and a few opera pieces. Thanks!! :D
*romeo and juliet chorus* and *hallelujah chorus* HAhaha, just like what Simon mentioned in the chat box xD
What I'm listening to right now? OF COURSE it's an opera song - 'The Barber Of Seville'
Haha, just a short entry of what I'm quite into nowadays.
Though not sooooo related, I just wish I have pictures of me conducting D:
Today wasn't a day that I would call enjoyable. Things tend to piss me off easily. No matter whether it's school stuff, teachers, or even friends.
School wasn't really all that great today. I kept getting annoyed by something, or more specifically, someone. Don't worry, it's not someone from my class. Luckily I was able to sustain my temper.
This morning Fenny said something that gave a small pinch on the head
" Why did you stop smiling?"
Have I?
Anyway...Orchestra meeting this afternoon... was... well... Let's just say I know what I'm bad at and let's not elaborate more on it.
But PE class wasn't all that bad, we laughed heartily at Wei's Wei's dance moves which was way different from the one I was doing, and we all laughed until we're rolling on the floor, well, just me actually. Simon, the class singer a.k.a representative almost lost his voice from laughing so hardly.
True, close friends, are those who's there to pat your back and tell you everything will be okay when you're sad. They are the one who tells you not to be too proud when we triumph but also giving us the most sincere congratulations. Heck, they could even be the one who piss you off, but still recovering fast.
I'm glad to have this small circle of close friends in class. They really know me, understand me. They know my weakness, my strength. Their names shall not be mentioned.
And because one of the close friend I had, I manage to pull myself together and kept on making things better for the best.
Lately things were a little.. Cold. She just simply told me to remain firm and strong when it comes to this situation. Why? Cause she was once cold to her lover, and was only able to meet up with her bf almost 2 or 3 times a year. Plus she never really replied his messages, things went on fora few years. But! They managed to pull it through and now they are happy together. Talk about that!
She's right... Especially at the time where exams are marching closer and closer towards the door of my classroom, I just... have to wait and stay strong.
Am I asking for too much?
I know I won't like it, but what can I do?
With a pat on the shoulder, I smiled.
Gah.. The classical music Simon sent me is sending me to dream land. But that's a good thing! =)
Good night!
*I might edit this post in case something suddenly pops up. Cause I'm feeling a little drowsy for I have not really rested the whole day.*
I lifted my head as I am going to enter my home, it stopped raining, the night sky was empty... There wasn't a sign of blinking stars... Just the cold, dark, empty sky..
Gosh.. I thought to myself.. Why does this relate to me so much... I felt so empty myself... Just like after a drizzle of rain... Sometimes the sun will shine brightly after that... But I can feel the sky is still heavy... It's going to rain again.. Soon.. When everybody is asleep..
BUT NOT ANYMORE! Lols~
Yea, I just suddenly felt empty that time when I lifted my head.. My my.. :D
Gotta study for Adv. Maths now (If I could... somehow D:)
There wasn't a star in sight, It is a full moon tonight, as I lifted my head to admire it's beauty, it was shyly hiding behind a thin layer of cloud. How mysterious it was.
It reminded me, how things are now. Beautiful, but with a little sense of isolation and loneliness.
The moon is now high above the sky, I lifted my head once again to find the moon clearly showing it's clear, bright face. It was so beautiful, it just reflected what I was missing most in my heart. You.
Soon the moon will have to leave the night sky, and a new day will come. How I wish the night would be longer, for the moon reflects, how much I miss you right now, and it reminds me, I love no other but You.
The moon reflects the sunlight, just like how it reflects my love towards you. It may not be as bright as sunlight itself, but it still brought light.
Don't let it fade.
Let it go on, like the ever so Rising of the Sun and the Moon.
But it was worth it, because I finally took the time, to think everything through, and before I smiled in triumph, allowing myself to close my eyes, I whispered myself a little promise, sealing it with a tear.
And it was another day...
And I broke the promise I made for myself before I went to bed. I'm starting feel so floatish. (Is that even a word)
"Dear dear Anson, why are you so down? Tell me what's wrong."
" Nothing... It's nothing really..." "Then why the long face? Cheer up a little would you?"
"Right... I'll try..."
*TRIES VERY HARD*
Haha... So random... Just a little lonely.. and bored.. I'll do homework then... Not after... a... LONG NAP! xD
Yes, it's just me. I don't know.. Things hasn't been smooth lately.. Sure I hanged out and meet up with old friends, like going for dinner in Sheldon's place and going out with Tricia who came back from Australia, they were good times, but once I get home, I can't help having the feeling of being left out... Being isolated..
Like I said, it's just me. I have people nudging me in hotmail, people sms-ing me now and then, I know you are doing all these for my own good, I know I have to be considerate myself, so what am I being depressed for?!
WHY!? WHY?! WHY?!
It's just me, it's just me... It's just me... Noone was to blame... What I crave for.. has to wait.. For it's still.. in the process.. of growing.. I have to.. I have to... Give time.. that's it.. time... let's not say anything more... that's right... nothing more... before... before.. I ruin everything.. that I love most... with a... heavy heart... I shall... stop... I'm sorry..
It's just me... having a headache.. and thinking too many... irrelevant thoughts... why me.. why me...
I just... need... you... by... my..side....But... A.. promise...is a promise...
I suck.. in controlling my desires.... And I should.. focus on what.. you desire...
Oh hush up Anson! Nothing is gonna change if you just talk about how you feel! Stand up! Face the music! Take action! You can do it!
Right... I have to get over this on my own...
But saying all this... Doesn't mean I hate you... It means I care.
I've been listening to Christina Aguilera's 'Understand' for quite awhile and I want to share it with you guys. For those who could relate themselves to the lyrics, I'm pretty sure you're not so alone :) I know I did.
"Understand" I made you think, you don't understand. I used to think that happiness could only be something That happened to somebody else Everybody believed, everybody but me, yeah yeah And I've been hurt so many times before, That my hope was dying, so sick of trying Everybody could see, everybody but me, yeah yeah But then you came into my life, you opened up my softer side And now I can see into your eyes And suddenly, I realize. I made you think, you don't understand All the times you didn't understand, Why you couldn't just be my man. I made you think, you don't understand There were many walls you had to climb, If you really wanted to be mine. I made you think, you don't understand After all the hoops I put you through, Now I see that I'm in love with you Now, I hope you finally understand. So many tears I've had to cry, But you had many more of your own you had to try But you stuck it out and you're here with me now, yeah yeah And rememberin' the days I pushed away your love, You called my bluff and you still stayed around, Yeah you figured me out Said, you got me down And there's no way to lie to you, you know me better than I do Baby, ooh, you see me through, I'd be no good without you. I made you think, you don't understand All the times you didn't understand, Why you just couldn't be my man I made you think, you don't understand There were many walls you had to climb (yeah) If you really wanted to be mine (ooh) I made you think, you don't understand After all the hoops I put you through (through) Now I see that I'm in love with you Now, I hope you finally understand Oh. Baby, won't you listen now Can't you see just what I'm talking about? Said baby won't you listen now Can't you see just what I'm talking about? Time went on, and I was wrong To keep my distance for so long. So afraid, you wouldn't stay But you never turned away Always right by my side You're forever in my life Don't you go 'Cause now I know That in you I found a home. Now I can see into your eyes Suddenly, I realize. I made you think, you don't understand All the times you didn't understand Why you just couldn't be my man I made you think, you don't understand There were many walls you had to climb, If you really wanted to be mine I made you think, you don't understand After all the hoops I put you through Now I see I'm in love with you. Now, I hope you finally understand. I made you think, you don't understand.
That's the song.. That I dedicate to the person I love most, and to everyone who can relate themself to this song.
I just wanna say, I'm being too sentimental? I think I should cut down on it...
The carnival, where people comes and goes. I was so lost, squeezing through the crowd, hopelessly looking for something to lean on, desperate. And that's when, I saw you.
You reached out your hand and held me in your arm. Hold me tight, and I won't let you go too. People around started to cast looks, but we didn't care. We held hands and searched for the exit in the carnival, a place for us to be alone, at least, for awhile. Before you have to depart into your own life again. We hugged, and I see you leave, not making a peep.
The warmth that my palm felt was unforgettable. I touched my heart with it, and it turned me sugar coated, I melted as the warmth touches my body. I crave for more. But I held back, I believe there will be time for us to return to this rendezvous, where we will chat, hold hands, looks each others into the eyes, and cherish the moment, before you leave again.
Time flew by day by day, I stood there alone that night, looking at the moon lit sky. It was so lonely, just like how I felt. Counting the moment till we meet again. There's finally a purpose for me to keep on moving. Wondering, when should I make my move, and bring us to a higher level. That would have to wait too, I told myself.
As you started approaching me I could hear my heart beat racing. I will be spellbound the moment you look into my eyes. My body melts once again when we held hands. When our lips touch we will be on the moon.
Touch me would you? Touch me internally.
Love is such a crazy thing. I sometimes wake up giggling when I dreamt of you. There goes the beat again, don't stop movin' babe. You had me head over heels.
