Life as it has been... that's all, 2009

Christina Aguilera's - Keep On Singin' My Song

"I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
& Nobody's gonna bring me down today
Been feeling like nothings been going my way lately
I decided right here and now that my outlooks gotta change
That's why I'm gonna
Say goodbye to all the tears I've cried
Everytime somebody hurt my pride
Feeling like they won't let me live life
Take the time to look at what is mine"

Yes, it's finally 31st of Dec 2009, the day that marks the end of a complicated year, with up and downs, happiness and sorrows, peacefulness and quarrels. Just like the song said, nothing has been going my way lately, and, tomorrow will be 2010, I will change my outlook, for the better or for the worse. Saying goodbye to the tears that I've cried, even though, in the end, I've got nothing back from it, not even a single pity from the people that I once said "I love you" to. But I know, things have changed, and all this shenanigan has caused so much turbulent in life, and it has also, made me stronger.

"I see every lesson completely
I thank God for what I got from above
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace

They can say all they wanna say about me

But I'm gonna carry on
I'mma Keep on singing my song"

Yes, and I will, keep on singing my song, gonna keep carrying on life, whether it's good, or bad. Imma gonna keep on singing my song, through hard times, whether I'm all alone on the pathway of life, or whether I have companionship of friends, I will, keep on singing my song.

"I believe that they can do what they wanna.
Say what they wanna say

(They can say what they wanna)

But I'm gonna keep on
(Keep on )
I believe it
That they can take from me
But they can't take my inner peace

Say what you wanna say, but I'm gonna sing my song"

And that concludes the little peek into my current turbulent world, let the song speak for me.

ps: You can listen to the whole song in this blog, or in youtube or whatever that you search songs with.

But of course, that's not everything I wanted to blog about, before 2010 comes knocking on our door.

I started to welcome love back into my life. Despite all the previous mishap that happened, despite all the tears I shed, I am very certain, all of it won't come back. So why bother, and why stay back in the past. 2010 signifies a new beginning, I will, I must start all over again.

I must learn to forgive, I must learn to accept, I must learn, to love not only others, but myself.

And I do hope, 2010 brings good news, like for example acceptance into the University I applied to in Singapore, no matter what, I must get into Singapore next year, I wanna leave this place, and leave it to change. Maybe one day, when I get back, I will see a different, better side of this place I call home.

Singapore, oh Singapore, how I wish I am there right now, the people, the scenery, the environment, the convenience, fascinates me.

To everyone else, I wish you all the best in 2010. We are all uncertain about the future, may everything turn out right, cause you know what, I DEFINITELY hope everything goes the way I hope it to be.

I guess it'll be suicidal if I couldn't get into Singapore, couldn't get the things I wanted and such, becareful :P

To my friends, thank you for accompanying me in walking through this 6 years in secondary school life. It's not easy, I know, it's long too. 6 years have finally gone by, and I could think of is

"WOW"

We gone through alot, we laughed, cried, worked our ass off for exams, and we played violently is crazy.

Stella, Tzy Tyng, Su Tien, Simon and Connie. You guys were so close to me this whole year, you guys were so totally my backbone, supporting me when things weren't going right, seeing me curl up and die, and revive once again. I weep, because none of you will be in Singapore with me, except for Su Tien, that is :P (And of course, if I could even manage to get into Singapore)

You guys are leaving for KL, and I will be so empty these few months... Waiting.. to be accepted into Singapore. Oh well..

Still, thank you!

May your future shine brightly. Happy New Year! Cheers :)







ps: More to come, stay tuned.

Singapore Trip!

Yesh! Singapore trip was great! Eventhough there weren't that much shopping like the one in KL trip, but at least we got to visit Universities, Colleges, places of interest in Singapore such as Jurong Bird Park, Night Safari, Singapore Zoo, Merlion, Sentosa etc.

Photo taken in the MRT

We even visited universities like SMU, NUS and NTU. And I went over to Singapore Polytechnic to take a look-see since my cousin and friend is there.

NUS staircase and study room

Me in NTU admission office

Tzy Tyng posing in La Salle - College of Arts

More pics in my facebook :P

Hooo whee! I even meet up with my cousin, Gwen and her bro, uber excited about it. But alas, we grew distanced, and we weren't really that talkative as before, but deep down I know we're still closely bonded :)

Meet up with my sis too, of course :P And also Ting Feng~ Hahaha

Overall, the whole Singapore Trip was great. Not as much shopping as the KL trip, but there were more sight seeing, which turns out to be quite fun, well for me, that is. And we even get to visit universities and colleges too, because that is the main objective of going to Singapore in the first place.

Updates, finally.

Yes, finally, I'm here to update, the ups and downs, and happiness and sorrows, the inner thoughts and pictures! :D

Graduation

Yea, UEC is like totally over, and the thing that we're anxious about is of course, GRADUATION! Preperations and rehearsals were made. Tears were shed and smile were shown. After 6 years, we're about to leave secondary school and leap into a whole new world of University/College life.

Some may even start working, whatever the future may bring, wish you all the best!


For more photos of Graduation Day, please visit my facebook profile @ http://www.facebook.com/reqs.php#/album.php?aid=126352&id=843445998


Graduation Dinner/Appreciation Dinner

It wasn't as fun as I thought it would be. And I don't really have anything to mention about the dinner. Overall, the food was great and that's it

Pictures available in my facebook profile "Appreciation Dinner 2009"

Graduation Trip 2009

Dear oh dear, do I have lots to talk about this trip.... but some juicy details shall be discrete.

Connie, Wei Wei, Tzy Tyng, Stella, Su Tien, Avelin Han, Jia Yi, Elizabeth, Jordan, Sheldon, Alex, Yu Ze, Heng Jian, Jie How, Young Kee, San Teck, Simon and I were those who went to KL together on the 22nd of Nov. We were all excited of course, I couldn't sleep well for few nights before the trip itself. It was fun, real fun.

We went shopping most of the time, not much of a together thing, until... we reached... GENTING HIGHLANDS!! :D

Corkscrew, flying coaster, some thing that plunges to the group from the air and stuffs. Great fun, just what we needed to release all those tension we got in school and UEC. It's over, all is over.

Overall, this graduation was great fun, but, there were unwanted disturbance in peace and it's just a whole part spoiler :D

And, after this trip, we've seen some changes, and I think it'll be permanent ^.^

Cheers!

ps: Sry for being so brief, I wanna rush to the next post, which is more recent, so I can type more about it :3

250th Entry

Click on the video! Click it~ And listen to the end :D

Saving this post for a special someone, a very close friend of mine.

*drum rolls*

Kenny Chang!

It's your birthday Kenny! Best of all, it's you're 16th birthday!

I still remember the first time I meet you, you were just, well, quite a little kid, a shy one in fact. All you do is wrap your head in your arms and sleep. But still, you would greet with a smile on your face, most of the time :D

You looked kinda distorted... Sry for the bad quality of my phone back then xP

And guess what? The moment Avelin and I see you, we both keep saying you're the cutest thing ever xD

Soon, you grew up, and I watched you grew up. Our friendship grew with it as well.


After all the crazy months, it's finally the time for you to shed your 15 year old skin and grow into a 16 year old.

That's.... so... touching... T_T (lol)

But no matter how old you looked, you'll still be everyone's cute little Kenny, right Avelin? :D

"oops? Really? Thanks :D"

Happy Birthday Dude! Smile always :)

Total knock out!

You're a total knock out!!

I giggle everytime I think of you, gosh, I feel so hot and sweaty everytime I think about you in bed... hehe...

Whenever I'm emo... and noone there's to cheer me up, just thinking of you, makes my heart bloom into brightness...

Whenever I'm lonely, I'll picture you by my side... hehe..

When I feel left out and being ignored , the thought of you reaching for me makes me feel confident and comfortable, even, if you sometime ignore me too..

I enjoy sitting in the corner looking at you, you may not notice, which is good... too...

It's fun watching you, nasty thoughts start appearing in my head.. keke..

I want.. a taste of you... But it's like trying to go to Moon and breathe their without any oxygen tank... if you didn't get that, it means, it's I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E.

But it's still the greatest being able to see you by my side, being able to hear your voice, being able to think about you, it's more than enough.

I won't get to hold you. I won't even give myself a chance to hold you, it's my last few months to be around you, but I know, it's impossible. But I'm still smiling at every moment being with you.

And here, I recite what I feel right now..

I am willing to the dishes every night
Just to look up into the night skies,
and look at the moon.

The shape of the moon,
shapes like your smile.
Whether it's cresent or half moon.
But I won't let you know,
what the full moon makes me think of,

YOU

But it rained these few nights..
I was just able to take a glimpse of you.
It's like the skies above know what's right..
Because I'm just alowed to take a peek of you.

No matter, I think that's more than enough.

Now... let's CAN CAN!!! :D

caution: Overly obsessed to the song 'Infernal Gallop', which happens to be the song where the women dance can can to. Don't know what's can can? Youtube it! xD

Over and out.

Muscial Montage!

Oh no, oh no! I feel like a musical montage coming! :O

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeea!!!

(Do your thing honey!)

I could feel it from the start!
Couldn't stand to be apart!
Something bout you caught my eye!
Something moved me deep insideee~

Oh!

You got what I want **** and I want it! :D
And I've been hooked ever since!!

Told mother, my brother my sister and my friend!
Told the others, my lovers, both past and present tense,
That everytime I see you, everything that's making seennseeee!!!!

Lol that was bunch of fun! :D

HOLD ON!

It's tomorrow, it's tomorrow! Finally it's coming! The magnificent, mysterious, well-feared

*drum rolls*

UEC!

*Applause and gasp*

All those preparations, all those hard work, all those tear jerking moments, all those time gone by! This is it, the D-day, the moment of truth, the 8 days of grueling judgement!

But after that.

FREEDOM

from the secondary school life!!!

I'll leave all the happiness and screams after my UEC is done, and when graduation comes.. it'll be the most... :P

ps: YOU SUCK!! :D

I love YOU! :D

Sorry, I sweared.

It may be the most uncool thing, ever. And I know Jordan don't swear anymore, but hey, what's the harm in swearing those stress out? I'm very sure people is going to tell me that there's far better ways to release stress, hmmm, I know but hey..

FUCK YOU! :D

Lol, I just lol-ed in real life typing that. See, it's fun. Don't think I'm mentally disordered. I think I'm perfectly fine.

Now...

FUCK YOU! Seriously, I hate you! :D All you do is criticize others, but don't you know you are the most annoying person I meet so far, and I was SO dumb believing in you! You suck~ You really really really really suck! :D You douchebag!

Hmmm... I don't know what else to swear, besides, it's an imaginative individual.. Although, there are somethings that I really mean it :P

That felt great, back to studies~

....

It's coming alright, UEC that's it, I think I'll go brief and simple in this post, everything I typed seemed so... so.. Emo and Deep, and now, in this period, I think, even the simpliest word would make me sound like an emo-Fuck..

I wanna get away from this mess.. Ugh, I desire... to be let go... Wanna try something new, wanna get serious and get matters straighten up.. But it's definitely, not now... not now...

6 days to go man, gotta be patient...

Damn, what am I saying, that felt, random, unorganized and just, plain rubbish. Or is it?

I've gain weight... please oh please don't say anything about it, I know what I should do, so please? Lay down on the criticism okay? I don't want to hear another word about it..

Sigh... I feel so... not 'me' these few months... I know, I should be studying instead of blogging here; I know I should be plunging myself into the sea of chemical equations, biological terms, physics formula and mathematical problems, oh don't forget english grammars, chinese literature and malay idioms, I just, want to take a break for awhile..

I know I shouldn't feel like this, my heart... is pounding so quickly again when I thought of you.. I haven't got this feeling for months.. and, with D-day approaching, I must.... resist it.

Everytime you don't reply my messages, it feels like it's the end of the world... Everytime I think about you, it felt like life just got perfect in any way.. I love you, so much.

Gah, still felt like I've been speaking rubbish throughout this post.. I'm sorry :(

p/s: I'm in love~ :D and UEC is coming in 6 days D:

Cravings for being appreciated

What do I crave for the most, the moment I took on learning yang qin, is appreciation, and also, acceptance..

Because.. So far.. All I get, especially at home, is

"So noisy"

Gee, I wonder how much that hurt me, but still, I swallowed it whole, and have been doing it for almost 3 years now...

Suddenly, it all burst, and, I broke a string during my rampage...

It's like, the only place where I could feel the love is when I play it all alone at home, all alone in school, and with my yang qin friends.. It's just, so hard to find people to appreciate the things I do, all I could say is...

Under appreciated

This post, may sound selfish and self-centered, it's like, I'm not standing in the angle of others and think. I do, and I did. It's just, I've been such a nice person for so long, and I just couldn't take it anymore.

And this goes out to everyone who feels the same as I am, no matter what field we are in, I feel you.

It's stormy...

The weather has been unpredictable, and so is my emotion. The constant stress and pressure, pulls me like a rope, about to snap in a blink of an eye.

It snapped, finally, and I went on a rampage, I'm screaming right now, can't you leave me alone?

Do I belong to this circle of friends, what is my purpose, to live?

What if I'm in love again, I still have to straighten everything, UEC is coming, and the family is counting on me, life, gradually depends on it.

I'm craving acceptance, in your heart, it hurts to see the distance I force myself to make between us, for there is no way we are to be together. It was, again, unorthodox.

Blame it on me, I admit. For being so careless and let cupid aim at you. Hope he removes his love arrow soon. It's unbearable.

I'm wished to be stripped, and I wish to be seen naked, revealing my thoughts to everyone who lay their hands upon it.

It has been a crazy month!

Wow! What a crazy month! Birthdays, school, friends, tuition, school, more school stuffs, driving practice with dad, it's just so many to talk about.

The emotional flush I'm undergoing, the stress I'm suffering from, 33 days to UEC dudes!!

It's always like that, last year SPM, this year UEC... :P

What to blog, what to blog...hmmm....

I don't know >< All I could blog is about my inner self right now, but still, I'll leave that for the next post, still have to update about life xD

Hmmmmm....

kenneth and kenny's little sweet home

What a sweet place to be. In a place that Kenneth and Kenny share, called home. To see, they're little sister, walking around with little toys, to see, Kenny hugging his little sister on his lap, to see their mother, busy as ever, the never ending cleaning up, singing together with the TV theme song.

This is what I call sweet. As I observe Kenny and his little sister playing, I can't help wondering, what have I been missing? At home, especially, the total loneliness, the segregation, the quietness.

GAH! It's unbearable!

ps: Thanks Kenneth for lending me your computer to blog. And Kenny, aren't you a shy kid, putting on your clothes the minute you see me! xD

Praise and 'Praise'

We should, sometimes, sit down, and appreciate the passing moments in our life. To praise, to love, to appreciate.

I praise the CDs around me, keeping me company when noone's home.

I praise my phone, for connecting my friends and I.

I praise hotmail, for doing a such wonderful job, for too, it has connect my friends from the other side of the world, as well as some locally.

I praise my grandmother, for always being such a nag, but still, never fail to show me her kindness.

I praise my mother, for being a younger version of my grandmother, a fierce nag, and still, never fail to show me how much she loves me. Not to mention the food she makes! :D

I praise my father, the economical support of our family. Though he's not at home most of the time, still, I never blamed him.

I praise my sister, for being such a great support, even when she's in Singapore. And I, apologize, for giving cold shoulders whenever you're around.

I praise my classmates. For being there with me when there's highs and lows. I thank you, for witnessing the changes in me. For understanding, for influencing, for carving me into a better person I am today. Though, there's still flaws, just like what Jordan says, but it's okay, if we combine our flaws, our weaknesses, and turn them into something, beneficial.

I praise my close friends, and good ones, the ones that's not my classmate, for knowing the true side of me, and never gave up on me. Friends like you guys, are just rare like diamonds. Our friendship is just like diamond too, not only rare, but tough, as well.

I praise the teachers, for giving us not only guidance in studies and out future, but also being good adult friends that teenagers now should have.

I praise the government, for providing sufficient electricity and water. For providing comfortable living enviroment. At least, we're not in war nor living in harsh conditions. You've done a great job!

I praise god, for giving me, so many things to praise.

For giving me sight, hearing, taste, touch and smell. For giving me a brain to think, for giving me a working body. For giving emotions, that enriches life even more.

The ocean, the lands, the air, the greens and the animals. Humans misused them, and that what cause the suffering we are in, right now.

I praise, those who has shunned and bruised me, that was, a truly magnificent job you've done there. For it is essential, in molding a better, stronger me.

Thank you, readers, for having such patience, in reading what I praise. Lastly, I praise you.

Drift. Bruise. Loving the impossible

Letting myself drift... Letting myself bruise... Didn't want to cheer up, because sometimes it just feels better for things to be this way...

How does it feel, to love somebody, that you know you shouldn't.

How does it feel, to know that the person you love, was taken.

How does it feel, when you're doing things for the person you love, but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to be.

How does it feel, when the person you love is being friendly to another person, but you.

How does it feel, that you could only befriend them, but never get over that line.

Alas, I should just snap out of it. I know my limits. And I should probably cope with it. I'm matured enough, to know what is wrong, what is right, whether this is love or not. Yea, I should know better.

Looks

Looks matter. You cannot deny that. The increase in good looking guys and beautiful ladies had blinded us with how important moral is.

Who care about moral? Even the moral gripping Chinese are starting to get blinded by it. As long as your partner is more handsome, richer, has a sexy body, then you'll be dominating the social pyramid.

The world is realistic. You know it is.

Even the little detail like what is their hairstyle, what they are wearing, their attitude. Attracts thousand upon thousands of people. The center of attention.

Who cares if you're the most decent guy, who cares if you have brains, who cares if you have a kind heart? People now want looks and money! Of course, not all of them are, but still, the majority is realistic and materialistic.

So, don't you people out there feel lucky that you have a pretty face and hot body? Appreciate it.

ps: This was, a little random. I am not posting this just to show how jealous I am. I know I'm not attractive, at all, and I know I don't have a hot body. So if you think I'm just a jealous and ball-less bastard, then by any means, be my guest.

Is this how it feels?

We hugged. But I know it's just a friendly one. And will always be. We hugged, and I didn't allow myself to go anymore further. We hugged, and I felt like the world luckiest person, but yet, at the same time, the most miserable one.

You gave the sighted world a breathe of new life.

The look in your eyes, so beautiful. The way you look back into mine. The way we looked into each others eyes. My heart skipped a beat.

I watch you grow, and it was spectacular. I watch you grow, it was beautiful. I watch you grow, and it started to hurt, because I know, I am not allowed to love you.

I kept my distance, and it shall be this way. For you are, taken.

I won't make a move.

I just, want to hug you now. To feel your warmth, to feel your heart beat, to get to smell you. To acknowledge I'm still alive.

Is this how it feels? To love someone that you know you cannot get them to love you too.

1st of August

1st of August, a friend of mine's birthday party. It was quite a memorable one. One of my last parties with her, and with mostly of the friends that attended the party last night.

It'll be my last year to do a lot of things here.

Final year...

It's getting over me, and I can't stop feeling sad about it. When graduation comes, it'll be a great blend of excitement and great sadness.

Excited that I made it through 6 years in Yu Yuan. That I've spent time with so many of my classmates, through good an bad times. Excited, that I've made my classmates my good and personal friends. Glad, that I cherished they're day as well as they cherished mine. They seen changes in me, as well as I seen changes in them. We all became much better persons than before. *Leave the rest I wanna say when graduation day comes*

Sad, because I'm about to leave the place that I've studied, had fun with tears and joyfulness in it, sweat that has dropped onto the school group, dedication to my orchestra. Hah, orchestra...

Emptiness returns. All over again.

After all the things that you put me through, you think I despise you, but in the end, I wanna thank you, cause you make me that much stronger.

SCREAMS!!

MORE SCREAMS! hOLY SHIT?! WHAT?! RIGHT HMM... MY LINE'S BACK! GLORIOUS!

What happened so far within these few days of getting stuck without being able to online...

Let us trace back to WHY I couldn't online for a few days.

Parents banned? No. Bad weather? No. Faulty modem?

Closer..

Bad maintenance of the telecommunication system in Sandakan? Oh getting warmer.

The telekom building was set ablaze on Monday morning? Ding ding ding!

You're on fire!... Literally! xD

Hence leading to the distorted days of doing nothing concerning the internet. It felt, quite empty... But it was a good chance for me to finish off my art work that's due 31st of June.

Which I finally finish. Hooray! :D

And guess what, just when everyone was putting their guard down, just as I thought that it wouldn't happen.

It still did.

Let me break it for you. In a not so paranoid way.

Due to the current case of 4 H1N1 victims, Yu Yuan Secondary School is officially closed for a week. School shall resume on the 10th of August. Mid-term exam has been canceled for further notice.

Wicked... :D

Yang Qin

I'm crazed about the yang qin music piece -Beautiful Africa.

Judging by the title, you already know it describes about the beauty of Africa and it's people.

It was a random one, and I've not perfected it, but still I felt bored and video taped it. enjoy! xD

Try listening this song to the very end too by the way :3 Thanks

Feeling Joyful

I can't overcome this sudden burst of excitement and gaiety. I'm feeling so inspired, so ambitious.

Reading your newly updated yet left out blog, I can't stop laughing.

You suck, you suck you really suck! Thank goodness you suck. Haha!

Fuck you, fuck you very very much.
Cause we hate what you do, and we hate your whole crew.
So please don't stay in touch.

Fuck you, fuck you very very much.
Cause your word don't translate and it's getting quite late.
So please don't stay in touch.

Look inside your tiny mind dude! :D

Those long months waiting was quite boring and explosively time wasting. I was so flooded and suffocating by your lies! :D

And getting my friends to save me out from troubled waters is just very troublesome of you, doesn't it?

You suck.

Lol, I never get tired from calling you that.

Normal

I desire, I crave, I'm desperate, to be a little normal.

I begged, I prayed, I yelled for things around me to stop annoying me.

Stop it, please. I know what I am doing.

230th entry.

Wow, it's my 230th entry in this blog. I need to wait for the mood is right to blog some particular entries, you know, to make it more emotionally appealing.

That's what it is. So stay tuned for future updates.

Randomness for today: Fuck you! :D

A very interesting song. Sung by Lilly Allen.

Thanks Peggy for introducing this song :D

Later!

Chinese Orchestra

With a wave of the conductor stick, the whole orchestra moves the way the conductor moves.

They move to the way he moves, willingly, or unwillingly?

It's been half a year since I am on this pose. Apparently, I am going to graduate soon. And the orchestra shall be passed down to the next president.

But there's one question circulating me lately. What have I done for my orchestra?

I guess none. I felt so ashamed of it. I shouldn't have gotten onto this pose. I have so many things in mind, to improve the orchestra. But yea, sometimes it just couldn't be done.

They say a good leader is someone who uses their underlings well. It's true, but sometimes, there are things that I should go solo. I know, people are going to criticize on my actions, but, consider my age, I am very clear of what I am doing.

Please, don't judge a person by his expression on his face. Everyone has their own unique expression according to what is on their mind. So please don't make irrelevant assumptions, eh? I know, sometimes you guys say things that might seem piercing me, and my expression would somehow show dislike, but sorry to disappoint you, it's not. In fact, that's my listening look. And if you felt a great sense of dislike, it's upon myself. For making decision that gets criticized.

Please don't try reading my mind, you'll end up being in vain.

I know what's good for my orchestra, if I'm voted as one, I will do my best. I'm a perfectionist, so frustration plays along. You want me to cope with everyone? I do, in a way that people misunderstands. I don't feel under appreciated. It's just a sad case seeing people digging their own grave and let themselves perish.

I'm pretty sure, not many likes me in orchestra, well well, I'm so sorry, I can't please everyone.

Please, don't say that I'm spoiled. It may look like I have a perfect life at home, it's not! In fact, whose family is? One thing is for sure, I'm not a spoiled brat like some in school.

I may be not as good as the other club presidents like Simon, Connie, Tzy Tyng, San Teck, Yu Ze and Jie How. I may not be as creative as any of them. I may not be as skillful as any of them. Nor I'm as a good leader as they are.

I am trying my best.

When you have to cope with dropping grades, I have no choice. What can a perfectionist do.

I took sometime

I took sometime, to read my previous entries in this blog. And wow, have I grown up.

The way I type now differs, with less typing errors.

I looked back into my past. I laughed, wept, pondered.

I really have matured. I dare say.

Going towards a bright, yet uncertain future.

Looking back in the colourful past, which a dash of light and clashes of darkness in it.

I'd seen

How much I love my friends.

How much I would dedicate my time for the school orchestra.

How much effort I would give to pass my studies.

How much, disappointment I see in our junior nowadays.

But bear in mind, not all juniors are rotten apples.

There's still good soul.

Let's pray, they don't turn bad like the other rotten eggs.

A month

I think, i am ready, to talk about it.

It was a beautiful month of June. Everything was sweet. It spiced up my life. It was the few weeks of happiness. Everything I see is beautiful, everything I touch turns to gold. I was getting fatter from the sugary sweetness. Every minute every second it'll be in my mind, the love I was in. Every step I take flower would grow, every breathe I take rejuvenates the people around me. I had that aura around me that revives dead soul.

Then came the period where time took control of life. Time restricted from me from meeting up with my purpose of living. My sentimentalism took over too. The bright yellow aura died down. Grief engulfed my morning skies. And rain would beat on my window at night. Things went on like that. Bad things would fade through my thoughts, which I will dismiss.

It became impossible for me to love. And that day, that faithful day, when I listened to Christina Aguilera's Impossible. It happened.

The break up, was one of the thing that hurts most that moment. I was impressed though, that I was able to keep a straight face for a few hours before breaking down when there's nobody at home. The gloomy sky outside turned into thunder storms. The grief I had, turned into frustration. I was furious. Frustrated that I was left like that. For not even giving me a chance to speak up. For not even giving me a chance to let me tell you, how much I've been suffering before you even break up with me.

But yet, I just felt like it's the end of the world for ONE mere hour.

This relationship we shared. Was sweet, bumpy and short.

I deleted your every message, and that's when it starts to hurt. But.. I have move on.

I know, that you won't be visiting this blog anymore. Just like what you did, deleting me from you contact list in Hotmail and Facebook.

You suck!

You say it'll be pointless to say that you'll be here with me always? I want you to know, why you shouldn't you use the term FOREVER! You have to take responsibility.

Mr Hong was right, when you really love someone, and when we break up, more likely getting dumped, we'll blame it all at the partner. For being so selfish, so cruel, so cold, so heartless.

I was starting to recover from my previous bruises from getting together with you, now you doubled the pain. I hope you are happy.

Oh wait! You do!

What is it more to say? It's over. And I'm glad I have friends like Simon, Stella, Tzy Tyng, Su Tien, Bernice, Robert, Wei Wei and Jie How, Phui with me.

I'm single again ladies and gentlemen!

Impossible

It's impossible to love you
If you don't let me know what you're feeling
It's impossible for me to give you what you need
If you're always hidin' from me I don't know what hurt you
I just, I wanna make it right
Cos boy I'm sick and tired of trying to read your mind

It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

Impossible to make it easy
If you always tryin' to make it so damn hard
How can I, how can I give you all my love, baby
If you're always, always puttin' up your guard

This is not a circus
Don't you play me for a clown
How long can emotions keep on goin' up and down

It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible for me to love you
It's the way it is
It's impossible (impossible)
Oh baby it's impossible
If you keep treating me this way
Over, over (over and over)

Impossible baby (impossible, impossible)
If you makin' it this way, this way
Oh baby, it's impossible
If you makin' it this way

It was art class

It was art class, where we will be making candles with jelly candle. And that's when inspiration struck.

You're blue, and I'm red. Together, we mix to form romantic purple. There's a shell inside, and it's the one and only shell, because.. You're the only one I love.

Annoyed

Really annoyed right now... Things weren't going smoothly as I thought it would..

The line is bad... Everyone at home is nagging the life out of me.. In school the temptation of not doing homework is still suffocating me..

And there's something going on and I had a great suspicion towards it.. I just hope... I'm hallucinating and thinking too much..

Life is starting to flood with despair.. and I once thought I'm a fighter, what's wrong with me lately...

Misused

Why... Why would you do this to me... I felt so....

Screams!

I wanna scream till my lungs explode.

Being hidden from...

So cold... the air outside... it's unbearable... There's no blanket for me to keep warm... It's so cold outside... Being left out...

Something is hiding inside the bush... Why isn't it showing yourself... The wind wasn't being merciful.. It kept blowing.. Harshly... Coldly.. The hiding shadow lurks by...

I had a nightmare... That got my heart pounding in heart and distress...

We made out at first... But things started to get messed up... As people saw us... We gotten separated.. In a deserted building... There weren't any furniture... Just dust and shattered wood.. I called out for you.. There weren't a reply.. The sky suddenly turned dark... I heard water gushing out from the showers.. I flew up the never ending flight of stairs.. I was engulfed in fear... I see.. a room.. a well lit room.. with three doors... I kicked the first door open.. Where the water sound could be heard... Splashing and dripping on the dry floor tile.. I shivered... and kicked open the next door..

It was dry and empty too... But the water splashing noise could still be heard from that two dry bathroom... I turned around to the last door, shaking I kicked it open... It was... A wall...

I screamed.. And dashed out to never ending stairs.. I found myself outside a balcony... The abandoned building took another form... A well lit, luxurious hotel... But.. It's empty.. Every room was empty... I jumped from balcony to balcony, to find more and more empty rooms.. Until... I reached a room.. filled with toy tractors and toy cars..

I couldn't take it.. I jumped... To find myself not on the ground floor, outside the building, but inside.. I knew it.. I was trapped.. Where are you.. I thought... I didn't hit the ground too.. I was clinging onto an enormous rack... As tall as the building itself.. It was a whole row of instruments... Behind the gigantic... Were the glass windows of the empty hotel rooms... But now I see two pairs of feet... In school socks and leather shoes... It was a girl and a boy...

Suddenly the boxes holding the instruments inside vibrated.. I was shocked and let go of my hands... I fell on the ground with a thump.. And the pair was peering at me.. Cursing at me for making so much noise.. Their eyes... their eyes.... Were scribbled with blue ink.. They were closing on me... closer.. with their hands stretched out... I felt the total emptiness and coldness surrounding me.. eating away my soul...

I woke up in the end.. In sweat.. The dream made me realize.. I was still feeling empty... and I felt pathetic of myself.. Because I made a promise to myself.. Not to feel sad over.. well.. something...

I miss the good times... 97 days left to UEC... Why must I suffer....

Good night..

Quote

"I named a teddy bear that's always on my bedside after you"

Typical boy.

Recently, I find myself seeing some typical, girl bullying, girl hitting, big mouth boy in my life. I'm not standing up for anyone, I just find it annoying, obnoxious and absolutely childish.

I mean, it's okay to play with girls with some gestures, but doing it all the time, it's not just teasing or playing anymore, I find it harsh. Do you find it fun bullying other people?

Examples you say? I don't know how to describe in english d:

Gah, anyway, this doesn't goes out to him, but to everybody, especially boys. Grow up would you, people?

Music~~~ Classicals~ Opera o.O!

Classical, opera singing! It keeps playing in my head! I'm going crazy! And it's a good thing too! xD

Listening to opera singing, how did that happen? I loved it when I was just a little child xD

They even show some opera singing in Looney Tunes and Disney cartoons. Bugs Bunny for example. Tom and Jerry. And now with the great use of technology and the internet, I was able to listen to some of the famous and classical ones.

Thanks to Simon too for giving me a whole file of Classical music and a few opera pieces. Thanks!! :D

*romeo and juliet chorus* and *hallelujah chorus* HAhaha, just like what Simon mentioned in the chat box xD

What I'm listening to right now? OF COURSE it's an opera song - 'The Barber Of Seville'

Haha, just a short entry of what I'm quite into nowadays.

Though not sooooo related, I just wish I have pictures of me conducting D:

Oh well... :D

Things and Stuff

Today wasn't a day that I would call enjoyable. Things tend to piss me off easily. No matter whether it's school stuff, teachers, or even friends.

School wasn't really all that great today. I kept getting annoyed by something, or more specifically, someone. Don't worry, it's not someone from my class. Luckily I was able to sustain my temper.

This morning Fenny said something that gave a small pinch on the head

" Why did you stop smiling?"

Have I?

Anyway...Orchestra meeting this afternoon... was... well... Let's just say I know what I'm bad at and let's not elaborate more on it.

But PE class wasn't all that bad, we laughed heartily at Wei's Wei's dance moves which was way different from the one I was doing, and we all laughed until we're rolling on the floor, well, just me actually. Simon, the class singer a.k.a representative almost lost his voice from laughing so hardly.

True, close friends, are those who's there to pat your back and tell you everything will be okay when you're sad. They are the one who tells you not to be too proud when we triumph but also giving us the most sincere congratulations. Heck, they could even be the one who piss you off, but still recovering fast.

I'm glad to have this small circle of close friends in class. They really know me, understand me. They know my weakness, my strength. Their names shall not be mentioned.

And because one of the close friend I had, I manage to pull myself together and kept on making things better for the best.

Lately things were a little.. Cold. She just simply told me to remain firm and strong when it comes to this situation. Why? Cause she was once cold to her lover, and was only able to meet up with her bf almost 2 or 3 times a year. Plus she never really replied his messages, things went on fora few years. But! They managed to pull it through and now they are happy together. Talk about that!

She's right... Especially at the time where exams are marching closer and closer towards the door of my classroom, I just... have to wait and stay strong.

Am I asking for too much?

I know I won't like it, but what can I do?

With a pat on the shoulder, I smiled.

Gah.. The classical music Simon sent me is sending me to dream land. But that's a good thing! =)

Good night!

*I might edit this post in case something suddenly pops up. Cause I'm feeling a little drowsy for I have not really rested the whole day.*

I felt a little empty

I lifted my head as I am going to enter my home, it stopped raining, the night sky was empty... There wasn't a sign of blinking stars... Just the cold, dark, empty sky..

Gosh.. I thought to myself.. Why does this relate to me so much... I felt so empty myself... Just like after a drizzle of rain... Sometimes the sun will shine brightly after that... But I can feel the sky is still heavy... It's going to rain again.. Soon.. When everybody is asleep..

BUT NOT ANYMORE! Lols~

Yea, I just suddenly felt empty that time when I lifted my head.. My my.. :D

Gotta study for Adv. Maths now (If I could... somehow D:)

Nights!

The Moon

The Full Moon

There wasn't a star in sight,
It is a full moon tonight, as I lifted
my head to admire it's beauty,
it was shyly hiding behind
a thin layer of cloud.
How mysterious
it was.

It reminded me,
how things are now.
Beautiful, but with a little
sense of isolation
and loneliness.

The moon is now
high above the sky,
I lifted my head once again
to find the moon clearly showing it's
clear, bright face.
It was so beautiful, it just reflected what
I was missing most in my heart.
You.

Soon the moon will have to
leave the night sky,
and a new day will come.
How I wish the night
would be longer,
for the moon reflects, how
much I miss you
right now,
and it reminds me,
I love no other but
You.

The moon reflects the sunlight,
just like how it reflects my
love towards you.
It may not be as bright
as sunlight itself,
but it still brought light.

Don't let it fade.

Let it go on, like the ever so
Rising of the Sun and the Moon.

Thought it through.

I couldn't sleep last night...

But it was worth it, because I finally took the time, to think everything through, and before I smiled in triumph, allowing myself to close my eyes, I whispered myself a little promise, sealing it with a tear.

And it was another day...

And I broke the promise I made for myself before I went to bed. I'm starting feel so floatish. (Is that even a word)

"Dear dear Anson, why are you so down? Tell me what's wrong."

" Nothing... It's nothing really..."

"Then why the long face? Cheer up a little would you?"

"Right... I'll try..."

*TRIES VERY HARD*

Haha... So random... Just a little lonely.. and bored.. I'll do homework then... Not after... a... LONG NAP! xD

Night!

Depressed.

I feel... a little depressed.

Yes, it's just me. I don't know.. Things hasn't been smooth lately.. Sure I hanged out and meet up with old friends, like going for dinner in Sheldon's place and going out with Tricia who came back from Australia, they were good times, but once I get home, I can't help having the feeling of being left out... Being isolated..

Like I said, it's just me. I have people nudging me in hotmail, people sms-ing me now and then, I know you are doing all these for my own good, I know I have to be considerate myself, so what am I being depressed for?!

WHY!? WHY?! WHY?!

It's just me, it's just me... It's just me... Noone was to blame... What I crave for.. has to wait.. For it's still.. in the process.. of growing.. I have to.. I have to... Give time.. that's it.. time... let's not say anything more... that's right... nothing more... before... before.. I ruin everything.. that I love most... with a... heavy heart... I shall... stop... I'm sorry..

It's just me... having a headache.. and thinking too many... irrelevant thoughts... why me.. why me...

I just... need... you... by... my..side....But... A.. promise...is a promise...

I suck.. in controlling my desires.... And I should.. focus on what.. you desire...

Oh hush up Anson! Nothing is gonna change if you just talk about how you feel! Stand up! Face the music! Take action! You can do it!

Right... I have to get over this on my own...

But saying all this... Doesn't mean I hate you... It means I care.

Welcome.. to the emo side of me.

Good night....

Song of the day - Understand

Editted at 12.45pm, 4th of July 2009.

I've been listening to Christina Aguilera's 'Understand' for quite awhile and I want to share it with you guys. For those who could relate themselves to the lyrics, I'm pretty sure you're not so alone :) I know I did.

"Understand"

I made you think, you don't understand.

I used to think that happiness could only be something
That happened to somebody else
Everybody believed, everybody but me, yeah yeah
And I've been hurt so many times before,
That my hope was dying, so sick of trying
Everybody could see, everybody but me, yeah yeah
But then you came into my life, you opened up my softer side
And now I can see into your eyes
And suddenly, I realize.

I made you think, you don't understand
All the times you didn't understand,
Why you couldn't just be my man.
I made you think, you don't understand
There were many walls you had to climb,
If you really wanted to be mine.
I made you think, you don't understand
After all the hoops I put you through,
Now I see that I'm in love with you

Now, I hope you finally understand.

So many tears I've had to cry,
But you had many more of your own you had to try
But you stuck it out and you're here with me now, yeah yeah
And rememberin' the days I pushed away your love,
You called my bluff and you still stayed around,
Yeah you figured me out
Said, you got me down
And there's no way to lie to you, you know me better than I do

Baby, ooh, you see me through,
I'd be no good without you.

I made you think, you don't understand
All the times you didn't understand,
Why you just couldn't be my man
I made you think, you don't understand
There were many walls you had to climb (yeah)
If you really wanted to be mine (ooh)
I made you think, you don't understand
After all the hoops I put you through (through)
Now I see that I'm in love with you

Now, I hope you finally understand

Oh.

Baby, won't you listen now
Can't you see just what I'm talking about?
Said baby won't you listen now
Can't you see just what I'm talking about?

Time went on, and I was wrong
To keep my distance for so long.
So afraid, you wouldn't stay
But you never turned away

Always right by my side
You're forever in my life
Don't you go
'Cause now I know
That in you I found a home.

Now I can see into your eyes
Suddenly, I realize.

I made you think, you don't understand
All the times you didn't understand
Why you just couldn't be my man
I made you think, you don't understand
There were many walls you had to climb,
If you really wanted to be mine
I made you think, you don't understand
After all the hoops I put you through
Now I see I'm in love with you.

Now, I hope you finally understand.

I made you think, you don't understand.

That's the song.. That I dedicate to the person I love most, and to everyone who can relate themself to this song.

I just wanna say, I'm being too sentimental? I think I should cut down on it...

The Carnival

The carnival, where people comes and goes. I was so lost, squeezing through the crowd, hopelessly looking for something to lean on, desperate. And that's when, I saw you.

You reached out your hand and held me in your arm. Hold me tight, and I won't let you go too. People around started to cast looks, but we didn't care. We held hands and searched for the exit in the carnival, a place for us to be alone, at least, for awhile. Before you have to depart into your own life again. We hugged, and I see you leave, not making a peep.

The warmth that my palm felt was unforgettable. I touched my heart with it, and it turned me sugar coated, I melted as the warmth touches my body. I crave for more. But I held back, I believe there will be time for us to return to this rendezvous, where we will chat, hold hands, looks each others into the eyes, and cherish the moment, before you leave again.

Time flew by day by day, I stood there alone that night, looking at the moon lit sky. It was so lonely, just like how I felt. Counting the moment till we meet again. There's finally a purpose for me to keep on moving. Wondering, when should I make my move, and bring us to a higher level. That would have to wait too, I told myself.

As you started approaching me I could hear my heart beat racing. I will be spellbound the moment you look into my eyes. My body melts once again when we held hands. When our lips touch we will be on the moon.

Touch me would you? Touch me internally.

Love is such a crazy thing. I sometimes wake up giggling when I dreamt of you. There goes the beat again, don't stop movin' babe. You had me head over heels.

'Our love is the perfect crime'

Love sick

I wanted to drop by, just to say hello.. wished you could do the same too, but that couldn't be done always.. Can it..?

Wanna chat with you... wanna see you... wanna stay back for awhile..

But I can't... I think...

Gotta stay strong Anson... Might as well say hello here. How are you doing EBM? Hope you are doing well and hope you are reading this...

Love

This morning when I woke up, I thought to myself.

"Love is just like a plant, or a flower, a beautiful flower."

You need to give it nourishment, water, sunlight and attention. Nourishment flourishes the flower; water provides turgidity for it to support itself; sunlight helps the flower climb to greater heights; attention lets it feel there's a sense of appreciation and satisfaction that it's still something worth while embracing.

But overdoing it may result in the opposite way. Too much nourishment it will suffocate; too much water it will drown; too much sunlight it will wilt; too much attention it will gain vanity and will not embrace the true meaning of what love will bring, or just get suffocated.

That's why personal space should be given.

Love is that funny feeling in your feeling, it's like a butterfly in your heart. You want the world know how much you are in love right now, how much you embrace it, how much you appreciate it, how much you feel satisfaction in it.

You know you're two in a million, you've got all the luck to be together, if the world would ever stop, you know you will still have each other, and no matter what, you will be forever as one.

I love you EBM, just wish you could read what I wrote here. And even if the school found out, I don't wanna think of the consequences, at least, not now.

Love does make you feel braving huh? :p

Random Question: If the world is going to end in a few more things, what would you do?

My answer: Give my classmates and last hug, shake hands with every teacher in the school, give a bow to my elders, grab my passport and air ticker and fly over to my lover's side, and be with my lover until the time comes.

You're my number one.

If I could sing for EBM right now, I would sing S Club 7 - You're my number one.
EBM is really my number one.

Na na na na..

What is love, cos baby I don't know
I got a funny feeling in my heart
If this is love - it feels like butterflies
So tell me baby is this how it starts

I know I've never felt like this before
You're like a drug you got me wanting more
I've got to let you know - I've got to let you know

You're - you're my number one
I'd do anything for you
Catch the rain from the sky, even hold back the tide for you
Baby baby, you're - you're my number one
With you I know I belong
I put the radio on and it's always playing our song

Na na na na..

Tell me what - what have I gotta do
Cos I wanna lay a claim on you
To make you mine - for now and for all time
So tell me baby what I gotta do

I know I've never felt like this before
You're like a drug you got me wanting more
I've got to let you know - I've got to let you know

You're - you're my number one
I'd do anything for you
Catch the rain from the sky, even hold back the tide for you
Baby baby, you're - you're my number one
With you I know I belong
I put the radio on and it's always playing our song

And there ain't nothing I won't do
I'd walk on water just to be with you

Baby baby, you're - you're my number one
I'd do anything for you
Catch the rain from the sky, even hold back the tide for you
Baby baby, you're - you're my number one
With you I know I belong
I put the radio on and it's always playing our song~

I love EBM!!